


Diary of a wimpy kid: Gay Greg

by Hudstrige1



Category: Diary of a Wimpy Kid
Genre: F/M, Gay!greg, Greg!masturbates, I'm really weird, LGBT, Smut, diary of a wimpy kid - Freeform, dont ask me why I wrote this, greg loves rowley
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-19 19:14:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9456830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hudstrige1/pseuds/Hudstrige1
Summary: What does Greg Heffley, newcumming ninth grader do when he realizes he's in love with his best friend Rowley Jefferson?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hide your kids, and hide your wives.

Greg Heffley, aged fourteen, sits on his bed on the night before his first day of high school.  
Greg finally feels that it's time to start exploring his body, so he takes out his eighth grade yearbook.  
'How about one last memory before I throw you out like all my other ones.' He thinks, opening the first page.  
He finds a picture of Holly Hills, the girl he has an unofficial romance with, aiming his eyes into her.  
It's almost like they're staring into each other's souls.  
Greg sticks his hand down his boxers, beginning to genuinely stroke the meat dangling between his legs.  
The meat does not rise like expected.  
"What the fudge?" He asks himself, deciding to rub even harder.  
Nothing happens.  
"Oh, come on! You stupid thing-"  
He stops talking mid-sentence, when his eyes roam to a picture of his best friend since childhood-Rowley Jefferson.  
"HUH?" He asks, as he gets the biggest hard-on he's ever had in his life.  
'How is this HAPPENING! I'm not GAY! I love HOLLY!'  
When resting his eyes on her picture again, his dick goes down.  
Rowley. Up.  
Holly. Down.  
Rowley. Up.  
Holly. Down.  
Sweating and gulping, Greg now knows what's going on.  
"Zoo-wee-mama..." He whispers confidently, looking back at Rowley's smiling face in the picture.  
Up.  
He begins to jerk it.  
The thoughts running in his head about Rowley are rather naughty.  
"Zoo-wee-mama..." He repeatedly whispers with each pump, growing closer to his climax.  
"Zoo-wee-mama...zoo-wee-mama. Zo-wee-mama..." The volume of his voice of voice grows just above a whispers.  
"ZO-WEE-MAMA!!!" He shouts, when climaxing intensely.  
There's a knock on his door, making Greg knock his yearbook onto the floor.  
"Greg?" Asks his older emo brother Roderick.  
"Did you just say zoo-wee-mama?"  
"What? No..."  
"Okay. Just checking." The sound of a drum cymbal is heard, making Greg's boner go down.  
If you ever want to be brought out of the mood, just listen to Roderick's drumming.  
Greg sighs dramatically, reaching into his pants for a dipping of his love liquid.  
"Zoo-wee-mama..." He whispers again, using it to draw a heart of the picture of Rowley's face.  
He uses the same liquid to draw an X over Holly's.


	2. Pussy Promises:

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg returns to school, finally reuniting with Rowley after all summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry...I-I'll go home...

Part Two: Pussy Promises:  
Between each snore, Greg mutters zoo-wee-mama.  
A confused but maniacal Roderick sits before the left side of his sexually confused brother's bed early that morning, evilly rubbing his hands together, before picking up his drumsticks.  
BAM!  
He hits the sticks so hard onto his drum set, that the sticks end up breaking in half.  
"AAAAHHHH!!!!" Greg screams, eyes  flying open and body shooting up.  
His morning wood sticks out behind the blanket covering his body.  
"Ha-ha! You have a woody!" Roderick points to it, before smashing it with his elbow.  
"OWE!" Greg shouts, the body part pumping painfully.  
"Listen Greg-as your older bro, I want to give you some advice on girls'."  
"You've never had a girlfriend..."  
Roderick scoffs. "'Girlfriends' don't matter, Greg."  
"They don't?" Greg's happy that Roderick isn't preaching heteronormativity.  
"Getting LAID by bitches is what matters!"  
Scratch that.  
"Why...?"   
"Because it just DOES! I'm aware you have a fling with Holly Hills, correct?"  
"Uh...Kind of..." Greg's heart is only set on Rowley for now.  
"Then eat her pussy! Here-" he reaches inside his pocket.   
"Take this condom. Don't want her getting pregnant now, now would we?"  
"This looks used." Greg cringes.  
"I found it in mom and dad's room." Roderick states breezily, before coming to realization.  
They both yelp.  
•••  
During breakfast, Greg's mom Susan Heffley, serves him a plate of sausage.  
"Nice thick and juicy!" She smiles.   
Greg gets a boner.  
"Oh, Greg!" His daddy, Frank, beams, walking into the room dressed for work.  
"My buddy Ron who I role-play the civil war with; he has a daughter your age that would probably love to meet you!"  
"Uhhh...I don't really care for girls. I mean dating. Yeah. Dating's dumb. Girls have cooties."   
So he doesn't have to speak anymore, Greg scarfs down his sausage.  
"Gay." Mutters Manny, his three year-old brother.  
•••  
At school, Greg didn't think such whiplash was possible when seeing your best friend after all summer was possible.  
Rowley looked...HANDSOME.  
His jaw drops, knees buckling and dick popping.  
In his vision, Rowley walks towards him in slow motion, winking his sparking right eye.  
Blushing, Greg grins and waves at him.  
But Rowley walks past him, focusing on someone else.  
Specifically, a girl.  
"What...?" Greg asks, snapping out of his moment and watching Rowley and the cute mystery girl hug.  
"Hey!" She beams, as they pull apart. "How was seeing Joshie live?!"  
Greg rolls his eyes.  
"SO much fun! I've missed you!" Rowley smiles to her.  
'What about MOI?' Greg thinks in envy.  
Now holding hands, Rowley and his bae walk to first period together.  
In the middle of fuming, Greg feels a tap on his shoulder.  
"WHAT?!" He yells, spinning around and seeing that it's Holly.  
She gasps.  
"Oh. Sorry Holly."  
"It's fine; you're totally sexy when you're angry." She flirts, grinding against him.  
He forces a laugh, pushing her off.  
"What's wrong?" She notices his angst.  
"Nothing, uh, gotta go...!" He yells, nervously sprinting away.  
Holly cringes.  
"Roderick told me you'd eat my pussy!" She yells desperately.  
But gay Greg is gone.  
"I'll eat your pussy..." Fregley whispers in her ear.  
She knees him in the balls.

 


	3. Greg Eats Holly's Pussy:

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut ahead ;))))))))))))))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :P

Part Three: Greg Eats Holly's Pussy:

Greg's been avoiding not only Holly, but specifically, her pussy, all day.  
Not only that, but Rowley still hasn't spoken to him, for a reason that he cannot make out. He's been talking to that GIRL he saw him with earlier instead.  
Greg still demands to know her full name and social security code.  
"Oh, what am I gonna do??" He panics to himself, alone-or so he thinks-in one of the school hallways instead of in geography class like a normal pupil there would be.   
"While I've been avoiding Holly, it seems that Rowley's been avoiding ME! W-T-F? This makes no sense. I must get rid of the girl. Oh, how do I figure all this out? HOW?!"   
His plea for an answer soars through the air vents and down the halls, echoing throughout the building.  
"Psss. Down here." A whisper is heard.  
"Who said that? Jesus?" Greg worriedly looks around instead of actually looking down.  
"Below you."  
He finally looks down like he should've in the first place, seeing--  
"Chirag?"  
"Yes. It is I."  
"What happened to your face?" He stares at his many busts and bruises.  
"Older kids. They trampled me."  
"Oh. Those bastards."  
"You were one of them."  
"Oops. Sorry. I had a growth spurt over the summer."  
"Did this growth spurt make you horny for Holly Hills?" He show's skepticism.  
"Uhhhhh...I'm asexual..." Greg lies.  
"Rowley." Chirag simply states his name, causing Greg to turn rock hard at instant.  
"Dammit!" He curses.  
"It's obvious, Greg. It's just, the way you stare at him so CREEPILY. It's like you're undressing him with your eyes."  
"I am! I am, okay?! Oh, I don't know what to do! Help me Chirag! Please!" He lifts him up and shakes him relentlessly before dropping him back to the ground.  
"Greg-"  
"Oh, why would YOU help ME?! All I was was mean to you in middle school."  
"Greg, I may have tried to hang myself that one period of time when you acted like I was invisible-"  
"What?"  
"But that's not the point. I'm gonna try to help you get rid of Holly. She's been asking around about you all day."  
"Oh, thank you!" Greg exclaims.  
"All you gotta do, is wear these." He holds out the top secret item in his palm.  
"Are those fake braces?"  
"Yes. All you gotta do is where them, and bam! No pussy for you."  
"Sweet! Thank you!" Greg snatches them and puts them on.  
"But oh no!" He realizes. "That means no blow-e's either!"  
"Don't worry Greg. No guy here would let your mouth touch the tip of their dick anyway."  
"Excuse me?"  
"Nothing."  
"Oh. Okay. I thought you said something really mean there for a second. But thank you Chirag. I don't know how I could ever thank you."  
"Eh. The only reason I'm doing this is because I wanna fuck Holly Hills."  
"What?"  
"Yeah. I've always wanted to fuck a white girl. And I can't have gay guys like you get in my way."  
"Chirag, no offense, but even if you COULD get Holly Hills to sleep with you, you'd get lost in her pussy right after sticking the tip in." He insults.   
"Fuck you Greg!"  
"Who said that?" He starts acting as if he's invisible all over again.  
Chirag screams, and Greg zooms into the farthest boys' bathroom.  
In the middle of checking how his fake braces look in the mirror, Holly pops up in his reflection.  
"Boo."  
"Ah! Holly! I'm sorry! I can't eat your pussy 'cause I have braces!" He screams, turning around and opening his mouth as wide as he can for her to see.  
"You didn't have braces last period."  
"The school orthodontist gave them to me."  
"There's a school orthodontist?"  
"Yeah! You should go check them out for your gap."  
"Excuse me?!"  
"Never mind. But Holly, it's too risky for me to go down on you."  
"Go down on me?"  
"Yeah. That's one of the phrases for pussy eating." He explains.  
"Greg, I think you're confused. I don't want you to eat my VAGINA pussy."  
"You don't...?"  
"Nonsense! You'd be TERRIBLE."  
"I AM gay..." He considers.  
"What?"  
"Nothing."  
"Besides-all my pubic hairs would get stuck in your braces anyway. And don't even get me STARTED on my crabs."  
He cringes. "Well, what did you actually mean by 'eat your p'-"  
She holds up her tabby cat.  
"This is muffins. I want you to eat him."  
"WHAT?! NO!"  
"Yes! He's on his way out and in our religion it's stated that whenever an animal is dying, a human must eat it to finish it off."  
"I see you at church every Sunday! Since when does Catholicism say anything about that?!"  
"It's in the Old Testament. Now eat up!"  
"Meow." Says Muffins.  
"YOU'RE the owner! Why can't you just eat it?!"  
"That's SICK; no!"  
"No WAY! I'd rather eat your VAGINA pussy!"  
She pulls down her pants and undies.  
Greg retches at the sight.  
He snatches away Muffins, and all that's heard from inside the bathroom is a loud meow and a gulp.  
He accidentally burps in Holly's face, and THAT'S what she thinks is gross.


	4. Greg The Pussy:

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg experiences the heavy side effects of eating Holly's cat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this chapter traumatized you in any way.

Part 4:

Greg The Pussy:  
At lunchtime, Holly's cat Muffins is still struggling to sit in Greg's stomach, which has been making strange noises since the eating. He had given the fake braces back to Chirag. What's the point of wearing them if his teeth are already straight-unlike him?  
So neither of them are sitting alone like little bitches, Fregley sits down beside him.  
"Hey Greg," his voice quivers strangely.   
"Oh. Hi Fregley."  
"W-w-w-what's up?" He tics. "Want some of the bologna in my underpants?"  
"No thanks Fregers. I already ate Holly's pussyc-"   
"Wh-h-oah!! Go Greg!" He smiles and holds up his spit covered palm for a high five.  
"Oh, no, I meant-" Greg can tell that Fregley misunderstood.  
But it's too late for him.   
"Hey, everyone!" Fregley jumps on top of their table for attention.  
"Greg ate Holly's pussy!"   
Everyone else either cheers, laughs, or cums in their jeans.  
" _Yes_ he did!" Holly smiles with pride, thinking that they know about her dead cat.  
"Was it good, Holly?" Patty Ferrel asks her.  
"Why, I'm sure it tasted _delicious_."  
"Fuck yeah, Greg! How'd it taste?" A black football player asks him.  
"Uhh..Like fish?" He assumes that that's how pussy would taste.  
All the guys cheer again.  
Rowley walks in the room, asking "Why, what's going on fellas?"   
"Greg ate Holly's pussy!" Fregley tells him the big news.   
"What...? Oh!" Rowley only looks at him with an shocked and envious facial expression.   
This is the only eye contact they've made all day.  
Now hard and blushing, Greg can only chuckle and give a thumbs up.  
"Welll, that's neato Greg! You know, I've eaten Jenna's pussy plenty of times..." He lies.  
"Is she the bitch that keeps trying to take you away from me?"  
"What?" Rowley frowns.  
"I, uh, meant, your girlfriend...?"  
"Oh! Well when you put it that way then yeah! She is."  
Greg forces a creepy laugh, crushing his filled milk carton. The milk squirts everywhere, dripping onto the table.  
"Ahhh!" Fregley gets often triggered by milk.  
Greg stares down at intensely, picturing it as Rowley's love liquid in which he wants to squeeze out of him.  
His first instinct is to climb onto the table and lick the milk crazily.  
"Greg, what are you doing? FREAK!" His arch nemesis Patty Ferrell yells out.  
"I AM NOT RELATED TO HIM...!" Rodrick screams, had just walking into the room and almost passing out at the sight.  
"Oh no! He must be turning into a cat!" Holly cries out.  
"Dumb bitch; _why_ would that be happening?!" Her sister Heather screams.  
"Because I made him eat our cat Muffins!"  
"We had a cat?" Is all Heather asks.  
A lot of the kids in the cafeteria start yelling at her, astounded at how she could make him do such a thing.  
"Why are you all yelling at ME; GREG'S the one who actually ATE it!" She defends herself.  
Everyone is scowling at Greg now, who is standing on the milk free table with milk dripping from his chin.  
"Hiya."  
Everyone's about to tear him limb from limb, until he starts making weird noises, and twitching movements with his body.   
"The fuck is he doing?" Patty asks.  
"Greg?" Rowley wonders.  
Rodrick starts video taping it.  
In this video frame, Greg grows whiskers and a pink nose just like Muffins had; along with paws and a long thick tail.  
Eventually, he stands back on the lunch table now as an orange tabby cat.  
"Meow."  
Everyone screams. Each student that's allergic to cats-including Patty-make a run for it.  
"Oh my God!!! Muffins is back in the form of Greg!!!" Heather yells.  
"I'm still ME! I'm just a CAT!" He yells in his normal voice.  
A blind student's service dog spots him, growling at his sight and teen boy scent.  
"Uh oh..."   
The dog races after him with furious barks.  
"AHHH!!!!"   
He escapes out of the cafeteria and into the empty hallway, tail swinging all the way behind him.


	5. Greg the Pussy(cat):

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg is now a cat, and ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Gay Greg Heffley who is now physically and mentally a pussycat, but emotionally a human, scatters down his empty high school hallway in the middle of lunch period, away from the blind student's deadly service dog.  
"WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!"   
"AHHHH!!!" He sprints down the hall as fast as his paws will carry him.  
Suddenly, a teacher steps in front of their view, having him whimper and look up at them.   
"HEY! The fuck are you doing on school grounds, ya fuckin' animal?"   
They're picked up and thrown out the school doors.  
"Meooowww!" He lands hard on the grass.   
"Oof."   
Meanwhile, the blind girl is taken to the janitor's closet to be shot, so the dog has no purpose of being there.  
"Oh, my, you poor thing!" He hears a female voice.   
Looking up with innocent eyes, he sees a familiar girl. A girl that gives him a bad feeling within his gut.  
"I'm taking you home with me."   
"Hm?"  
"Let's go!" She beams, picking him up and and trapping him in her backpack.  
"Help!! Heeeelp! I'm being catnapped!"   
Everyone is more incapable of hearing for him, the farther the girl walks away and back to her house.  
•••  
"You can stay in here, butterscotch." The anonymous girl whispers, stuffing him in her closet so her parents don't see.  
Once the door is closed, Greg anxiously looks around.  
"Now I'm REALLY in the closet."  
"What was that butterscotch?"  
"Uh-uh I meant meow...!"  
He eventually falls into a deep sleep that doesn't last for long, due to the girl excitedly flinging open the closet doors with a smile on her face.  
"AH! WHAT THE FUCK BITCH-?! I mean, meow meow?"  
"Oh, butterscotch I'm so excited! My boyfriend's coming over!"   
He hisses.  
"You can meet him! He'll love you! Then again, maybe you shouldn't. We'll be kinda busy, if you get what I mean." She chuckles.  
Greg pukes all over her closet floor.  
"Oh, don't worry butterscotch! We won't give each other any STI's," she grins.  
She slams the closet doors closed, in which Greg rolls his eyes.  
"I gotta get the fuck out of here."  
"Jenna, Rowley is here!" Her mother calls up from downstairs.   
This has Greg throw up a fur ball.  
"Hey beautiful...!" Rowley greets after walking inside and closing the door shut.  
"Hi handsome!"   
Greg groans.  
"What's wrong baby?" She notices something wrong within his facial expression.  
"Oh, it's terrible. My best friend Greg-"  
"Kids! Do y'all want pizza bagels before you bang?" Jenna's Mom calls up.  
Greg frowns. Best friend? He hasn't talked to Greg all DAY! This is some bullshit!  
"No thanks Mom!" Jenna says. "What were you saying?" She asks Rowley.  
"Greg, he,-"   
Jenna's Joshie song ringtone starts blaring, having Rowley beam.  
"I love that one!" He smiles, in response to the song playing.  
"Me too! It's my jam!"   
"Aren't you gonna get that?"  
"Eh, it's just my bitch ass grandma." She cuts the call.  
"Let's watch live Joshie concerts!"  
"Okay!"  
"Hm?" Greg sadly whimpers.  
He has to go through two torturous hours of hearing them play Joshie's music, interviews, and live performances.   
'Oh, nothing can be worse than this!' He thinks in agony.  
"Let's make out." Jenna flirtatiously suggests to Rowley after listening to one of his love songs for the seventeenth time together.  
"Oh! Okay! Cool!"  
Greg curls up into a ball hearing their endless smooching and giggles.  
'Give me a BREAK. What ELSE could go wrong?'   
"Teehee, let me blow you."  
Rowley freezes. "Uh, isn't your Mom downstairs?" His entire face sweats.  
"So what?" She's already unzipping and unbuttoning his jeans to pull them down.  
"You'll love it. Here I go!"   
'WHAT?!" Greg shouts in his cat head.  
"Uh-uh-" Stutters Rowley.  
In slow motion, Jenna's lips make their way for Rowley's not even hard cock.  
A war goes on in Greg's mind. A bomb is about to be set off.   
Just before Jenna's mouth can enthusiastically touch the tip, Greg comes bursting out of the closet.  
"STOPPPPP!!!!"  
"Ah!" Rowley screams, jumping up with his dick still out.  
Greg's cat tongue licks his cat lips at the sight.  
"Oh my God! Butterscotch can talk!" Jenna smiles.  
"That's Greg!" Rowley screams, putting it back in his pants.  
Greg pouts.  
"No, their name is BUTTERSCOTCH, dumbass!" Jenna criticizes.  
"NO, JENNA, this is what I was trying to tell you! My best friend Greg turned into a cat today and went missing! That's him!" Rowley points to the reverse otherkin.  
"'Best friend'?! HA! Don't make me laugh. That's such a LIE! You haven't talked to me ALL DAY! You ignored me all summer!" Greg complains to him.  
"Greg, I was in Egypt all summer. And I was GOING to talk to you at lunch! But then you started talking about Holly's pussy, and..." He trails off, knitting his eyebrows.  
"Well YOU started talking about JENNA'S pussy!" Greg screams.  
"Did you recommend him to a therapist?" Jenna asks him.  
"I'M ALREADY SEEING ONE!" Rowley shouts. "Well have you talked to them about your vagina problem?"  
"WHAT vagina problem?" Greg asks, while Rowley sweats.  
"Rowley's afraid of vaginas" Jenna blabs.  
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE!"   
"Wait, really? Me too!" Greg smiles.  
"High five!"  
Greg's claws get stuck into Rowley's palm. They scream.  
"Ugh, you're such a FREAK; get out of here!" Screams Jenna.  
"Fine! I'll be HAPPY to!" Greg detaches himself from Rowley's hand, and stomps his way towards the door.   
"Not YOU! Just Rowley."  
"I'm not STAYING! I have a human SOUL! It's like, trans animal! Human! Something...!" Greg's high strung.  
"Why do you want ME to leave?" Rowley asks.  
"I'm breaking up with you. I only wanted you for sex but clearly YOU don't want any! Why is that?!?!"  
"Uhhh...Well let's go Greg!" Rowley picks Greg up causing him to pur abruptly.  
"Don't worry buddy! We'll get you back to your human form! Trans species lives matter!!!" Rowley yells, running down Jenna's staircase.  
"Jenna! Why is your boyfriend running away with s cat?" Her mother asks, observing Rowley run past her in the kitchen.  
"HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND ANYMORE!!!" She shouts from upstairs.  
"Bye Mrs. Silverstein! Your daughter's a bitch!" Rowley farewells, before leaving the house entirely.  
The human-and animal-both pant, Greg still in Rowley's arms.   
"Okay Greggy. Now we gotta figure out how to get you back to your human form?"  
"But how?"  
"Let's think. Who did this start with in the first place?"  
"Holly!"   
So, off to Holly Hills' house they go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is going to be called #notmyrodrick. You thought I was gonna let that shit slide? Oh hell no.  
> Comment if this gave you war flashbacks <3


	6. Hills' Witchcraft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holly and Heather Hills help out Greg and Rowley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kept procrastinating with continuing this, but I've been getting some lovely comments lately (Fregley...thank you. Cappuccino Warrior, the poem was beautiful) that I knew I had to get started asap.  
> Hope you enjoy.

"Okay. Here we are," Rowley announces, now standing in front of Holly's mansion while Greg licks his arm.   
"Greg what are you doing?"  
He stops. "Nothing..."  
Rowley rings the doorbell that takes up to ten seconds to actually finish ringing its fancy jingle, and the snobby oldest sister Heather answers the door.  
" _No, kid._ We _don't_ wanna but your _cat_." She smacks her gum obnoxiously.  
"It's _YOUR_ cat!"  
"It is?"  
" _YES!_ "  
"Oh. Okay," she's about to grab it, and Greg yells " _WAIT!_ Is Holly here?!"  
"What the _FUCK, BUTTERS?_ "  
"It's _MUFFINS!_ " He corrects.  
"Shit. Yeah. Right. You can talk now? God _damn_."  
" _No_ Heather; don't you remember Greg transformed into Muffins at lunch today?" Rowley frowns.  
"Greg who."  
" _HEFFLEY!_ "  
"That gay guy my sister's into?"  
Greg hisses, striking a claw.  
"Can we _please_ just see Holly? We need a way to change him back into human form." Rowley says.  
" _HOLLLYYY!_ Greg's here!" She shouts throughout the house, leading the girl to show up in sexy lingerie.  
" _Greg!_ I knew you'd come to eff me-! Oh. You're still a cat."  
She claps, signaling off the mood setting sexual music she had playing in the background.  
He chokes up a hairball.  
"Yeah. We _KNOW_ he's still a cat. Can you help us change him back?"  
"Hmm, I dunno. I think he looks better that way." Heather butts in her opinion.  
"Shut _up_ Heather! Yeah. I'll help you guys. The faster Greg's a human again, the better." Holly smirks while taking him from Rowley.  
"What...?" He doesn't like the sound of that.   
" _Awesome!"_ Rowley beams, walking into the house standing with the rest of them.  
Heather cringes at everything taking place.

"So, how does this work exactly?" Rowley asks Holly, who still holds Greg but now in their witchcraft and wizardry room next to Heather who won't leave them alone.  
"Well, to reduce a spell on someone, we need to _cast_ a _new_ spell on someone else."  
"Can you have me meet Joshie?!" Rowley grins, and Greg rolls his eyes.  
"Ooh. Sorry. Spells to meet celebrities have been banned ever since Heather almost ate Lester Holt's face off." Holly gazes at her.  
"It's not _my_ fault he looks so delicious," she defends.  
"So, who do you cast the new spell on?" Greg wonders. "Is killing off my Dad allowed?"  
"No, no death spells." Holly states another rule.  
The cat grumbles.  
"Ooh! Ooh!" Heather beams, leaning over and whispering in Holly's ear.  
After a few seconds, they both giggle. "Ooh, that's a good one." Holly grins.  
"What?" Greg and Rowley both frown in offense and worry.  
"You'll see." Holly smiles.  
" _Holly..._ " Rowley doesn't like this secrecy.  
"It's not you. You'll figure it out, though." She smiles, before changing incomprehensible words and waving around her hands.  
The sisters giggle harder this time, while Greg grows impatient.  
"What spell was that?" He asks.  
"You'll see," Heather giggles, and Holly cackles.  
" _I'll_ see...?"  
"Okay okay. Let's change you back." Says Heather. She chants a different weird ass long fucking spell, waving her hands in the air with conclusion, just before Greg changes back into a human within a snap, now seated in Rowley's arms on the verge of getting a boner.  
"Whoa! I feel good as new!" He's amazed.  
" _Yay! Thank you_ Joshie!" Rowley smiles to the ceiling.  
"Sweet! Now we don't have to commit beastiality anymore!" Holly grins, grabbing Greg for herself.  
"Wait what-?"  
"Sweeties! Dinner is ready-! _OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU WEARING-?_!" Mr. Hills yells when he unexpectedly enters the room.  
"Is this that Greg kid you're always blabbing about?! I _demand_ he _leave!_ " He continues, while Holly frantically hands Greg back to Rowley.  
"Dad! Uhhhh--it-it's fine! Greg's uh, _gay!"_ She thinks she's covering things up with a lie, but Greg's now redder than Rowley's hair.  
"Oh. Alright. I can tell."   
Greg frowns at him, while Rowley hopes he can't feel the boner sticking up against his leg.  
"Why would you lovers like to stay for dinner?" Mr. Hills offers to the boys.  
"Whoa man. I'm not gay." Rowley clears up.  
"Are you sure, kid?"  
" _Yes!"_ He sets Greg down. "Now if you excuse me I'm gonna go and try to rekindle things with Jenna."  
"You're what?" Greg asks.  
"Yeah. Bye Greg. I'm glad you're not a cat anymore. I gotta get home before my parents ground me." He leaves the room.  
"Ohhh so _THAT'S_ Butters!" Heather exclaims, and Holly rolls her eyes.  
"Greg, my fellow homo boy, would you like to have dinner with us?" Mr. Hills offers.  
"Oh-oh-uhhhh-"  
"Yes he _would!"_ Holly beams, pulling him close.  
Heather groans.

Greg was dreading eating with the Hills', until he sees the four course meal their own personal chef is serving.  
"Whoa. This stuff looks delicious." He observes, sitting in the middle of Heather and Holly.  
"We have a _great_ chef. Now Greg what does your family usually eat for dinner?" Mrs. Hills asks, sitting across from the kids with her husband.  
"Uhhhh..." He tries to think of which fast food place sounds the fanciest.  
" _Mom,"_ Heather snaps in a whisper. "Don't make him feel weird. He's _poor."_  
"I'm not _that_ poor!" He defends.  
"Oh, _sweetie..._ " Mrs. Hills takes out her purse. "Here's a hundred dollars." She hands him a bill.  
"I'm _really_ not comfortable-"  
"Is being poor and gay really as bad as people make it out to be?" Mr. Hills asks.  
" _What?_ I...I gotta go." Greg gets up and pushes his cushioned chair in, taking the hundred dollar bill and piece of T-bone steak with him.  
" _Greg!!_ _Wait!!!_ " Holly yells, as he exits the house entirely.

He angrily returns home with the aluminum foiled swan Mrs. Hills almost forgot to give him, with his steak in a box and the hundred dollar bill in his pocket.  
"Where were you, dear?" Susan asks, eating another TV dinner with Frank at the table. Greg cringes at their meal.  
"Uhh, Holly Hills' house. I had dinner with her family." That's a bit of an overstatement.  
" _Ooooh_ , things must be getting pretty serious between you two!" Frank is overjoyed.  
"What? Oh, no-no-uh-"  
Frank takes the box from him and tears apart the piece of steak with his own bare hands.  
"Oh, honey." Susan takes the swan and unwraps it.  
"Do you beed some--protection?"  
" _What?_ " He blushes, and Frank spits out his steak.  
" _AHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHA! OHHH,_ " he wipes away his tear.  
Greg starts to uncomfortably chuckle along.   
"What's so funny..."  
"Greg, you don't love Holly."  
" _Thank_ you! Finally somebody with some sense around here!"  
"Because you are _going_ to take out my civil war roleplaying friend's daughter!" He instructs.  
"Oh Frank _heaven's_ no. We don't want him being set up with a girl he doesn't _know._ What if she's a tramp? We've known the Woods' for years!"  
"Hills'..." says Greg.  
"Right."   
"Greg, you're _going_ out with what's-her-face."  
"Holly!"  
"What's-her-face."  
" _Holly!"_  
" _CIVIL WAR ROLEPLAYING OFFSPRING!"_   
" _I'M GAY!"_ He shouts, and Susan gasps.  
"Oh my gosh! _Really?_ This is such big news!" She exclaims.  
"I know! We have to get you tested now!"  
" _Dad...!_ " He blushes again.  
"You bitches are so _dumb,_ " Manny criticizes from across the room, letting his blanket named tingy drag on the floor.  
"Thank you Manny!" He's glad someone around here has realized.  
" _Duh._ " The toddler walks out of the room.  
" _AAAAHHH!"_ They hear Rodrick scream from his room in the attic.  
"Baby what's wrong?!" Susan yells.  
"He probably lost another drum stick." Frank couldn't care less.  
He comes running down the stairs, and his family's worlds stop at the sight of him.  
Mentally and emotionally he's now damaged, but only because of how he's suddenly changed physically.  
"What _happened_ to me?!?!?!?!"   
From their mansion, Heather and Holly laugh maniacally.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the notmyrodrick meme is dead but, I'm bringing it back (probably not though. I talked about how I was gonna be doing notmyrodrick in this months before its death/my mental doom)


	7. Rodrick's Genius Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome Rattlesnake Heffley to the world y'all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU GUYS TO READ THIS RIGHT NOW IT'S MAINLY RODRICK BUT GREG AND ROWLEY'S EPIC ROMANCE WILL PICK UP SOON

The rest of the Heffley's still can't take their sight off of the entirely different looking teenager standing before them full of shock. His mouth is dropped down and arms spread open.  
"This can't be real!" He exclaims.  
"Ahhh! Intruder!!!" Susan grabs the TV dinner and throws it at him.   
" _No_ , Mom! It's _me!_ _Rodrick!_ I _swear,_ I just woke up like this! What is _happening?!??"_  
"Really? Huh I didn't recognize you without any eyeliner." Says Frank.  
"Rodrick! You're a minority!" Greg cries.  
"You look like an Asian lesbian." Frank states.  
"I am _not_ a lesbian!"   
A lightbulb shines in Greg's head. "Rodrick, I know who did this. Holly and Heather Hills are witches, and told me when they changed me back into a human, that they had to cast a _different_ spell on someone _else._ " He explains.  
"'Back into a human'...?" Susan asks.  
"It's a long story."  
"Are you _kidding_ me?! An _Asian lesbian spell?!?"_ Rodrick frazzles.  
"Well what _else_ would the spell be called?" Greg assumes.  
" _Why_ would they want to target me?! I'm charming! _Right?!_ " His brother asks.  
"To be fair, you _did_ go a little overboard with Heather last year." Greg reminds.  
"Oh _please_ I was _nothing_ but respectful to her."  
"You stalked her for four months." Manny brings up.  
"You're too _young_ for this kinda shit Manny! _LEAVE!_ "   
"Maybe they can reverse this spell in exchange for a new one. Instead of having you look entirely different, maybe they can just worsen your drumming or something." Greg considers.  
"'Worsen'?"   
Greg awkwardly looks away.  
"Greg, you _gotta_ do whatever you can to get them to reverse this spell. Sleep with Holly! Sleep with her Dad! _Anything!"_  
"Rodrick you know I could do _so much better_ than her Dad."  
Pausing for a short moment, Rodrick gasps and snaps his fingers with pride. " _I got it!"_  
"What?" Susan asks.  
"You're gonna get a haircut?" Frank hopes.  
"Yeah, I should probably do that. But I have the perfect plan. We, are going to _fake my death."_  
" _What?!_ " Susan asks, while Manny grins. "I love this plan already."  
"Shut up Manny. Here's what we do. We say the old me, is dead. I return to school with my unrecognizable look, and can see if people care about me being dead or not! I can start all over!" He grins.  
"Okay, but, what if we get you turned back?" Greg knows that could still happen, especially if he does a good job at seducing Mr. Hills.  
"I'll figure it out." Rodrick pushes that possibility aside. "Mom, Dad, call the school and say I've passed away. Greg, tell everyone you know. Manny, tell the little siblings of kids at the high school. This is gonna _rule!"_ He smiles, shuffling back into his room in the attic.  
"I don't think I like the sound of this..." Susan worries.  
"Ahh! I just looked at myself in the mirror again!" They hear Rodrick yell.  
"I think it's a _great_ idea, honey." Frank assures.  
"You just really want Rodrick to die."   
"Fuck off Susan." He walks away, having to sadly remind himself that the funeral will be fake.   
':////' he thinks, while having his war action figures fight down in the basement.  
"Ooh! Itch! Owe! Fuck!"  
Down in that same room, Rodrick's somehow even worse drumming can be heard from the very top floor.  
"Well his drumming hasn't gotten any better..." Susan says in the kitchen to her remaining boys.  
Greg sighs. "School is gonna be interesting tomorrow, that's for sure."

The moment Rowley spots Greg the next morning in the hallway before homeroom, he goes rushing over to him. "Hey Greg! Has anything weird happened since you got de-catted?" He wonders.  
"Attention students and faculty," it's announced over the PA.  
"We kind of regret to inform you that senior Rodrick Heffley, aka Fregley's older brother, has passed away last night from unnatural causes. That is all."  
"I am _NOT_ Fregley!" Greg yells to the ceiling.  
The real Fregley gasps, all the way from the teacher's lounge. "Oh my god! I had a brother?!?!??"  
Rowley gasps next. "Oh my _God!_ They killed Rodrick-!"   
Greg covers his mouth, and everything watches as he drags Rowley into the janitors closet.   
"They didn't kill _anyone,"_ Greg whispers to him calmly, once they're surrounded by the romantic sight of cleaning products.  
"Then why did-?"  
"They casted a spell on Rodrick to make him look entirely different. Like an Asian lesbian."  
"I'm listening..."  
"So he came up with the plan to fake better-looking Rodrick's death, and will start over with a new name here at school."  
"Whoaaaa." Rowley's fascinated. "But what about Holly and Heather? They'll know who he really is."   
"Yeah, but, wouldn't they sound pretty crazy if they tried to tell people that-whatever his new name is-is actually Rodrick in disguise?"  
"Hm. That makes sense. What if they change him back unexpectedly?"  
"Then I guess we'll say that the newer Rodrick moved away, and that...Old Rodrick was found alive." Greg predicts.  
"Holy pepperoni! This is gonna be so cool!" Rowley smiles.  
"I know. But you _cannot_ say anything about it. And if anybody grows suspicious, deny deny deny."  
"It kinda just sounds like 'lie lie lie' to me-"  
"Just _lie,_ Rowley." Greg interrupts.  
"Okay. I'll do it for you. And...What's his new name?"

"Hey what's up my name is Rattlesnake," new Rodrick greets himself to the non-mourning high schoolers around him, with the name he's always wanted to give himself.  
He wears black shades and has his lesbian hair tied up in a ponytail.  
"You look like an Asian _lesbian_ ," one of the guys says to him.  
"Yeah I get that a lot."  
"Where you from-?" Another tries to make conversation-  
"So did you hear about that Rodrick kid?"  
"That died? Yeah."  
It grows irritatingly quiet.  
" _And?_ "  
"And what?" A kid doesn't see his point.  
"Aren't you upset? Grieving? Mourning? _Disappointed_ , even?"  
"Eh. I'm kinda glad he's dead. He was annoying."  
Rattlesnake laughs uncomfortably. " _Whaaat?_ N-no he wasn't," he smiles, trying to brush it off.  
"Yeah. He had this _terrible_ band-"  
"Löded Diaper was _amazing!"_   
The kids cringe. "How would _you_ know?"  
"Because I-I found them online! You know that video of my-uh-uh _his_ -crazy Mom dancing? I was focused on the _music_ , bro. _Hella_ catchy."  
"Yeah. If you're _deaf,"_ a girl with purple hair teases, causing everyone else but rattlesnake to laugh.  
"You guys are just _haters!"_ He declares, before stomping off.  
It grows quiet between the group of kids again.  
The same purple haired girl scoffs.   
"What a _tool._ "

Standing back in the hallway with Rowley, Greg hunches up when he sees Holly walking over their way.  
"Oh _God,_ there's Holly. She's probably gonna try to flirt with me again-"  
"Hey Rowley," she greets him seductively, walking over to him and flipping her hair.  
Greg gawks.  
"Oh...Hey Holly," he's confused.  
"So I heard Jenna dumped you."  
"Really? How?"  
"She told us in the girls bathroom. I'm, uh, really sorry to hear that."  
"Thanks..."  
Moving creepily closer to the both of them, Greg starts to flare heavy breath out of his nostrils.  
"Do you _mind?"_ Holly cringes.  
"Hey! _Holly!_ Holly Hills!" Rattlesnake waves his arms frantically once he spots her from twenty feet away.  
"Who's _that_ guy?" She asks.  
"You don't _know_  that that's what you made Rodrick look like?" Greg asks.  
" _Yikes._ Good work," Rowley mutters.  
"Well when we said Asian lesbian," Holly starts, before Rattlesnake runs over.  
"Why would you and your _brat sister_ do this to me?" He grunts to her.  
"Because you're a _tool._ Smart move faking your death, by the way. But because of that it'd be a _little_ complicated if I changed you back, don't you think-?"  
"I don't want that right now."  
"Really?" She's surprised.  
"Since it was announced that the old me 'died', _no one_ has been grieving!"  
Greg just shrugs.  
"And that's my problem _how...?"_ Asks Holly.  
" _Make them_ miss me! Cast a grieving spell or something!"  
" _Ooh, that_ spell was banned when-"  
" _Ugh, forget it._ New plan. I'll act _so_ terribly, that they'll be _begging_ for the old Rodrick back."  
"Wouldn't you just be acting the same way you were acting before?" Rowley butts in.  
" _Fuck off baby hippo."_   
The freshmen flinch.   
"I am _going_ to have a funeral, and people are _going_ to show up!" Rattlesnake declares.  
"And my _new name is rattlesnake!"_ He adds, when walking away and punching a random locker.  
" _Geez,_ " Rowley mutters.  
Holly blinks. "Hm...So yeah anyway Rowley," she turns to him, and Greg frowns.  
"See you around, silly willy." She boops his nose before waking off.   
Greg's steaming like a goddamn vegetable. " _What the fuck was that?!_ "  
"Hm. Don't know. But don't be angry Greg. I know you're still not over Holly so naturally you-"  
Greg groans. "You are _hopeless,_ Rowley!" He screams, storming off and leaving him alone.  
In that confusing and conflicting moment, Rowley thinks,  
' _What would Joshie do?'_

At lunch, Rattlesnake has to go through the torture of hearing the classmates at his table continue to trash talk Rodrick.  
"He wore _way_ too much eyeliner." One girl says.  
"I _know_ , right! And did you hear he stalked Heather Hills for four months?!"   
"I heard he used the Löded Diaper van to kidnap small children." Someone else adds.  
"Okay _that is it!"_ Rattlesnake slams down his hands, causing everyone else to jump and look over.  
"Rodrick _wasn't_ perfect. But he tried his _best_ , you know?! He was planning to get a music scholarship and _wanted_ to go to a college! He only stalked Heather for _two_ months, loved his eyeliner, and had a _great sexual history!_ And he did _not use his white van for predatory reasons!_ " He's now panting.  
One classmate blinking in a loss of words, they all stare at him.  
"Dude what are you _on."_   A guy asks.  
"Nothing...!"  
"How would _you_ know all that stuff about Rodrick?" The blinking girl asks.  
"Uhhhh..." He didn't exactly think that part through.  
"Uh I uh..." he can't take being scowled down.  
"Because he was my boyfriend!"   
He's gasped at.  
"Oh, _shit."_ He instantly covers his mouth.  
The Seinfeld theme plays, signaling the period of lunch where no one's allowed to speak.  
For once, Rattlesnake is very thankful for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo...  
> Thoughts? Complaints? Death threats? Suicidal thoughts, maybe?


	8. Gayyyyy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg and Rowley have eDGY drama. Meanwhile, a certain student takes interest in Rattlesnake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry

"Holy _shit_ , _really_? Rodrick was gay?" A girl from the group of kids sitting at Rattlesnake's lunch table, asks him.  
"Yes..."  
"And you were dating him?"  
"Yes..." He's too scared to answer anything else.  
"And _you're_ gay?"  
"Yes-wait huh? Oh _no no no_ I'm uhhh I'm actually bisexual—" He still wants to at least get some chicks.  
"It's okay man. You can do it. Say the word with us:  _gay_." A nice white guy tries to be understanding.  
Rattlesnake scowls at him.  
"It just, _all_ makes sense now." Another girl speaks up.  
"It...It does?"  
"Yeah! The eyeliner, the douchey straight act, all of it were major signs! His jeans were so tight-"  
"Alright! Enough! Enough...!” ‘Did people REALLY think I was gay...?' He thinks, frowning in confusion.   
As if returning back to his old self wasn't going to be complicated enough.  
"Well _I_ think that what you just told us is _very_ sweet." One of the same girls whose names are irrelevant touches his wrist.  
He grins.  
"Now tell us all about you and Rodrick's relationship!"  
The smile drops.  
"Uhhh...well okay uhhh..."  
"Aw, you _poor_ lesbian! It must be _so_ hard for you to talk about him." A different girl decides. "He's _obviously_ mourning!" She says to the others.  
Rattlesnake blinks. "Ummm...Yes. It-it's just _so_ hard." He pours the water from his water bottle into his tear ducts to create realistic emotions.  
" _Awwww,"_ all the girls at the table pity him, touching him delightfully.  
Meanwhile, all the other dudes frown. " _I_ wanted to fuck copperhead," one mutters, getting up and stomping away.  
"Oh honey," one girl continues to Rattlesnake. "We're _so_ sorry for your loss. You could've done so much better than him anyway."  
"Thank you so much-wait...Excuse me?"  
"Did he hit you? Be honest." A guy pipes up.  
"Rodrick?! What? N- _no!_ He _loved_ me! And I loved _him!_ "  
"Really? I mean no offense but, how could anyone love _Rodrick?"_ One of the same girls crinkles her nose, and all the other kids laugh.  
Rattlesnake fumes.  
He stands up and slams his palms down onto the table's surface.  
"I'll _show_ you! I'll show you _all!"_ Although he still doesn't know how he's going to, yet.  
" _Gah!_ " He finishes, stomping away from them.  
"Man..." One kid starts. "That kid's got _issues._ "  
"It's not his fault. It's hard for people to accept that they were in abusive relationships." One of the girls bring up.  
They all shrug and nod.  
Walking past the cafeteria wall holding up the bulletin board, on his way out, Rattlesnake stops and cringes at the flyer catching his attention.  
"'Needed replacement drummer for the late Rodrick Heffley for Löded Diaper'? 'Today after school at 3:30'?" He reads the wording on the punk decorated flyer with questioning.  
" _What?!_ " He screams.   
"Yeah man," the Löded Diaper bassist standing nearby butts in. "You should try out."  
"You can't _replace_ Rodrick!"   
"We kinda _need_ to, man. He's _gone._ And we want Löded Diaper to keep going."  
"He wouldn't have _wanted_ this!"  
"I think _I_ knew him a lot better than _you_ did, man."  
Rattlesnake clenches his teeth so tightly that they almost crack apart.  
"You gonna try out or not?" The bassist asks.  
"You don't even know if I have any _skills_ or not!"  
"They'll be better than Rodrick's-"  
" _I AM ROD-ROD...R...READY,_ to go to auditions and blow your fuckin' _minds...!"_ He sweats.  
Bassist dude scoffs. "Alright man...See ya. You sure you feeling okay?"  
"I'm fine!" He frazzles. "I'm just...Having first day jitters..." He lies.  
"Good luck buddy...Good luck." Bass boy pats his back before walking off.  
Rattlesnake exhales.  
"My drumming is _way_ better than Rodrick's...Wait, I _am_ Rodrick!" His mouth gapes open.  
"Okay everyone!" It's heard over the lunchroom PA. "Sorry for the inconvenience, but we've got the music started again so everyone quiet please! Enough rumoring about STDs!"  
This time it's the Full House theme.

In his next class, Greg is struggling a bit with his Science quiz.  
"Psss. Hey. Rowley!" He shout whispers to the desk across from him. "Can you help me with this?"  
"I thought I was helpless," Rowley mutters, sassily blowing his bubblegum while seated at his desk and staring over at Holly.  
Greg frowns. "I..." All he can do is gawk.  
Despite the tension, he writes Rowley's name within giant hearts on his notebook paper anyway.  
"Hey Greg. Is it true that your brother died?" A kid asks him on the way out of class.  
"Whaaat...?" Rowley snickers, awkwardly standing nearby. " _No,_ where did you-?"  
Greg covers his mouth. " _Uh..._ He's still in denial...Yes. He is very much dead. Um...:////"   
" _Awww,_ " A girl comes over and kisses his cheek.  
Noticing Rowley perking up in envy, he grins. When everyone else but the gay boys have left the room, Greg looks at him.  
"Like I said. _Helpless."_  
He walks away with a breaking heart, leaving Rowley with one of his own.

After the day's over, Rattlesnake is sure he's slaying everyone's eardrums with the head banging drumming he's playing, to replace, well, himself.  
Which is the exact problem.  
"How was I...?!" He grins, panting and dropping his sticks with pure glory.  
The rest of Löded Diaper, sitting at a judging panel in front of the stage, are cringing.  
"Dude...Uh, you said you found Löded Diaper online, right?"  
"Frick yeah."  
"And you said you got a lot of inspiration from Rodrick."  
"Fuck _yeah_ man, he was my boyfriend." The whole school is going to know by tomorrow so he might as well just *drum* roll with it.  
"Yeah, and, that‘s the problem, man. You sound just _like_ Rodrick! His sound is what we're trying to _avoid!_ And him being dead is _really_ helping with that."  
"I am _honoring_ him!" Rattlesnake shouts into the microphone.  
"Listen bro, I know he was your fucker and all, but, if you're gonna honor him we’d prefer you _don’t_ it through his drumming. How about...Wearing eyeliner or something?" The guitarist suggests.  
"I wear eyeliner _anyway!_ This is _homophobia!_ " He knocks over the microphone stand, jumping down from the stage and sprinting out.  
"Oh well. _Next!_ "  
"Wait! Can you guys maybe try _not_ to disrespect Rodrick? He was Rattlesnake's secret  _boyfriend_. And to be honest, _I_ would've dated him too.." The bassist boldly admits.  
The rest of the band sit up. "You _liked_ Rodrick?! _Jesus_ man. I mean, if you _really_ wanna go in for the kill, fuck his poor whittle grieving boyfriend. He will _enter you_ like...Like...I dunno I don't know any gay analogies."  
Bassist boy blinks with consideration. "Hmmm..." He rubs his chin.

Greg stomps around the hallway in excruciating anger at the end of the day just wanting to leave, but having no idea if he's even supposed to be going with 'Rattlesnake' or not.   
What if he somehow makes friends? What are people gonna say when they find out Rattlesnake lives with Rodrick's old family?  
His current thoughts and heavy footsteps come to a complete stop, when spotting Rowley with his arm around Holly at the location of her locker.  
"Huh...?!" His mouth falls open again.  
" _Greg!_ " Rattlesnake interrupts his pouting, speeding over and almost as moody as him. He slams his fist onto Holly's locker door, making her and Rowley jump.  
Greg smirks in evil pride.  
"What?" He speaks up to his brother.  
"I failed the Löded Diaper auditions."  
"You mean the audition to replace yourself at drumming where you sounded exactly like yourself which they didn't want?" Rowley asks. Greg rolls his eyes but dreamily sighs at the same time.  
"Yes!" Rattlesnake answers.  
"Ever think that, maybe you need to make your drumming not suck?" Holly asks.  
" _Fuck off bitch_ -Wait. _Why_ is baby hippo's arm around you?"  
" _Yeah!_ Why _is_ my baby hippo's arm around you?!" Greg demands to the girl.  
"Because we're going out."  
" _WHAT?!_ " The brothers scream together.  
"Yes," Rowley rubs his palms together. " _MWAHAHAHAHA!"_ He grins to the sky.  
"Why do you keep doing that?" Holly asks him. He shushes her.  
Rattlesnake and Greg skeptically frown, getting a feeling to what's going on.  
“Holly, you _need_ to cast a spell to change my drumming. _Please!_ ” Rattlesnake grabs her and she’s roughly shaken by her shoulders.  
“Hey! Don’t _touch my woman.”_ Rowley snaps.  
“‘Your _woman’?_ ” Greg rolls his eyes. “Jesus Rowley.”  
“You wanna tussle?!” The redhead offers, already shaking his fists and running in place.  
“Sure you can handle it?!” Greg steps closer.  
“You should be asking yourself that, _pal!”_  
“ _Yeah?!_ ”  
“ _Yeah!_ ” Faces now inches apart, they can taste each other’s heavy pants. Greg’s pretty sure his boner is sensible right now.  
“Can you smell something?” Holly asks Rattlesnake, sniffing the sexual tension.  
Speaking of sexual tension, bassist boy walks up right behind Rattlesnake and squeezes his ass.  
“What the _fuck_ , man?!” The victim of sexual harassment yells, turning around and causing the other fags to look over.  
“Rattlesnake, huh? That’s a _sexy_ name.”  
“ _Duh._ That’s why I picked it out.”  
“I’m sorry about your boyfriend. He was pretty hot.”  
“He was? I mean...Yeah! He _was!_ He could make me cum with a snap of his fingers.”  
The younger kids are all cringing and uncomfortably gazing at each other.  
“I bet he could.” Bassist boy flutters his eyelashes. “Bye Rattlesnake. Rawer.” He smirks and walks away.  
“Holy shit...” Rattlesnake rubs his ass.  
“Holly, _spell._ _Now.”_ He turns to her.  
“ _Why?_ Can’t you just sleep with him? He’s clearly into you.” She assumes.  
“I am _not_ doing that! _Please!_ I _need_ to be in the band! Second auditions are tomorrow!! I’ll do _anything_ for you to cast that spell!”  
“Like sleeping with him-?”   
“ _No!”_  
She snickers. “Fine. I’ll change your drumming,” She grins, doing it with a snap of her fingers in front of all of them.  
“ _Yes! Thank you!_ Pass the word around that that’s how Rodrick made myself cum by the way.” He confidently points at her, walking off and dragging Greg with him.  
The adolescent awkwardly waves to Rowley before disappearing entirely.  
“Yesss. _Yesss!_ My plan is working!” He declares.  
“What plan?” Holly asks cluelessly.  
“Nothing babe.”

Back at home, Rattlesnake’s absolutely pumped to begin his improved drumming, until he realizes that Holly’s spell made it sound worse than before.  
“Dad?!?” Manny finds Frank having a seizure in the basement. He had stuffed one of his little army men up his ass for sexual pleasure.  
“ _HOOOOLLLLYYYY!”_ Rattlesnake’s deviant shout knocks Greg off his bed, ruining his masturbation session.

“ _Holly!!! God dammit_ _Holly talk to me!!!”_ The boy whose drumming now sounds downright autistic, demands to the laughing girl who keeps purposely walking away from him.  
He grabs her and spins her around.  
“ _Why_ would you do that to me?!?!”  
“I _had_ to, okay?” She smiles. “It was just too easy.”  
“ _Well-!”_  
“You said to _change_ your drumming. Not ‘ _fix_ ’ or ‘make better.’ Loopholes, man.”  
He groans. “I _need_ to get in that band!”  
“You can always-“  
“ _Don’t say it_ Holly _don’t_ say it!”  
She waits. “You could always sleep with the bassist—“  
“ _Awww come on!!!”_ He whines.  
Being given a sheepish look, he stomps his foot and rolls his eyes.  
“Dammit Hills.”

It takes place in the janitors closet during lunch.  
“And you promise you’ll let me in the band after we do this?”  
“Yup. No doubt about it.”  
“Okay. Good. Also...No one’s gonna know about this right?”  
“Nope,” their jeans unzip. “Here comes the train! Choo _chooo!_ ”  
“Stop that!”

Trying his best to forget about everything that happened in that damn closet, Rattlesnake has to remind himself that it’ll be worth it when returning to the auditorium at the end of the day.  
“I’m ready to join the band!” He announces to the guys, doing his best to avoid eye contact with bassist boy at all costs.  
“Bassist and I had an agreement and here I am.” He hopes it doesn’t sound too obvious.  
The others all glare at him, who grins embarrassingly.  
“Really Chuck?”  
“Do you blame me?”  
“ _Tell him,_ Chuck.”  
“Tell me what...?” Rattlesnake asks.  
“Um...Listen man...” The lead singer awkwardly gaze over. “Before Chuck even told us he promised to you that you could join the band...We kinda already chose someone else without him.”  
“What?” He frowns at a shrugging Chuck. “You _promised!_ Make them make me join!”  
“I _would,_ but, this guy would give us really good rep...” he shrugs.  
“Well who the hell _is_ he?!” He looks up on the stage, and there he is.  
The one,  
The only,  
“ _Joshie?!?!”_  
“Hiya friend!”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry


	9. Don’t Be A Klebold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg and Rattlesnake both go a lil crazy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummm...hi...enjoy (or don’t you probably won’t)

Unsurprisingly, it's taken Rattlesnake a bit of time to the process that he's being replaced as the drummer in his pop punk band-that he formed, by a teeny bopper virgin that sings about roses and Eskimo kisses.   
"How is _HE_ replacing me?!?! He goes against _EVERYTHING_ this band stands for!" He yells to Joshie's new bandmates.  
"Yeah, but, he's a _really_ good drummer." Chuck reasons.  
"We _slept_ together!" Rattlesnake declares, fists and teeth all clenching. "If you count saying 'choo choo' over and over while trying to connect our pee holes sleeping together..."  
"You may have a rockin' bod' and easy manipulated mind, but, your drumming sucks. Sorry..."  
"Why the hell is _Joshie,_ America's perfect bean, _in_ a band like Löded Diaper anyway?!" He doesn't see the logic in that.  
"I wanted to change up my style a little bit."  
"A ' _little bit'?!"_  
"And as long as I'm not singing the crude lyrics, but rather playing the drums to those lyrics, I'm sure my fans parents will still let them love me."  
"He's wearing a purity ring..." he points out.  
Larry the guitarist scoffs. " _So?!_ Our fans are so hardcore that they don't even _know_ what a purity ring is. _I_ thought it was a graduation ring at first. _You_ know what a purity ring is? _Pussy._ "  
"How _old_ are you, man..?" Rattlesnake asks Joshie.  
"Twenty four."  
" _Jesus_ ," he rolls his eyes.  
"It's better than Bill. Remember Bill?" Larry brings up.  
"Yeah, I remember. At practice he would always-"  
The rest all stare at him.  
"Ummm, from what Rodrick told me...He would always trash the garage and try to choke himself with the microphone cord."  
"Yeah, he's homeless now..." The lead singer named Johnny, recalls.  
"I'm sorry about your loss, partner." Joshie brings up.  
"You mean Rodrick?"  
"Yeah. May his soul Rest In Peace. Is he gonna have a memorial of some sort? We'd love to play a tribute."  
The rest of the members frown at him and groan negativities.  
"Yeah! In fact, there's gonna be a memorial for him tomorrow! At 4:30! At his house!"  
" _What?"_ Everyone in the band asks miserably, except for-  
" _Awesome!"_ Joshie grins. "We'll be there! What songs should we play?!"  
"On one condition. I'm the drummer. Not you." Rattlesnake freshly points to him  
"What?!" The others yell.  
"Okay!" Joshie sees no problem.                “Are you for real?” Chuck asks.  
"Yeah fellas! I have no problem if Rattlesnake wants to play a tribute for his boyfriend one last time."  
"But he's _terrible!_ "  
"Owe! That hurts Joshie's heart." He clutches his chest. "Can I still go as a guest?" He gives Rattlesnake puppy eyes.  
"Ugh, _fine!_ Jesus I can't stand you people..." He grumbles all the way out.

"I love you more."  
"No I love _you_ more!"  
"No I love _you_ more!"  
Greg has to listen to the torturous noise of, this time, Rowley and _Holly_ ogling over each other over and over within the hallway at their lockers, tightly standing next to the two and witnessing the Eskimo kisses they're exchanging out of the corner of his eyes.  
" _Greg!"_ Rattlesnake demands again, stomping over and punching more lockers.  
Holly scoffs. "Didn't get in your band, Rodrick?"   
"No, but _not_  just because you destroyed my drumming. So _ha!_ You failed!"   
"Wait what?" Greg asks.  
"Loophole."  
"Ah."  
"Good one babe!" Rowley cheers on, while Greg's body steams.  
"Because of _you,_ I got replaced with this fucker named _Josh!_ He's so fake. He's probably just doing it to get laid."  
"Isn't that why you're doing it?" Rowley asks.  
"That's my _second_ reason! I want back in my band, man!!"  
"Rodrick—"  
" _RATTLESNAKE!"_  
"Rattlesnake, calm down. Can't you just do the stage setup or something? Become a groupie?" Greg suggests.  
"That's _perfect!_ _Muwahahahaha!_ Now I wouldn't have connected pee hole's with Chuck for nothing!"  
It grows quiet.  
"What...?"  
"N-Nothing! Let's go! We have to convince Mom and Dad to let us have my memorial tomorrow anyway!" Rattlesnake drags Greg away by his hoodie.  
"Ah _geez..."_ He knew this was bound to happen anyway.

Back at home, Rattlesnake stomps around in his attic placed room, manically rubbing together his drumsticks as Greg watches awkwardly from the bed.  
"Okay, now that Mom and Dad are letting us have a memorial service for Rodrick, the band said they would come. I'm drumming. Not this Josh prick. It's been confirmed."  
"Rod—Rattlesnake, what's so bad about Josh? Other than the fact that he's a better drummer than you? Chill _out._ He's probably harmless."  
" _Shut up!_ And, listen..." he lowers his voice, kneeling down in front of Greg for dramatic affect.  
"I didn't want to say this in Rowley 'cause I knew he'd pee his pants. But..."  
"But _what,_ man?! Is something wrong?! What's happening! I already lost Rowley to Holly and I _can't_ lose him more than I already have!" Greg's heartbroken panic is making Rattlesnake feel guilty.  
"Ummm...I'm...I'm not inviting him to the memorial."  
Greg scoffs. "Fine...! I-I don't _care..."_ He crosses his arms and shrugs, rolling his eyes. "I-I don't wanna see that fatass anyway. Fuck him. I wanna fuck him-what? Rattlesnake leave!"   
"It's _MY_ room!"  
" _Gah!_ " Angsty gay Greg storms out himself, and down to his own room.

In the evening, Susan knocks on Greg's door presenting a platter of pizza rolls.  
"Greg...?" She observes the boy laying face down in his mattress.  
"I made your favorite. Pizza rolls! Rodrick-"  
" _RATTLESNAKE!"_ He's heard screaming in the background.  
" _Rattlesnake,_ says you're upset." She steps inside. "Does this have something to do with Rowley?"  
The boy doesn't utter a sound.  
"Are you waiting for anal, honey? Is this gay subtext that I don't understand?"  
" _No,_ Mom! _Geez!_ " Greg sits up with a demonic glare.  
"Are you excited for your brother's memorial tomorrow?" She's all smiles, handing him a piece of food.  
" _No,"_ he shoves it in his mouth, beginning to chew.  
"Löded Diaper is gonna be there, and they wouldn't let Rattlesnake back in, so now he's feuding with the new drummer."  
"So why are they even invited?"   
"Because. Rattlesnake's gonna do the drumming 'in memory of Rodrick.'" Greg speaks with his mouth full.  
"What about the new drummer?"  
"Don't know. But Rattlesnake hates him."  
"Why-?"  
" _BECAUSE HE'S A FAKE ASS EVIL BITCH WITH A PURITY RING!"_ Rattlesnake yells from down the hall.  
Greg's eyebrows raise.  
"Why I think that's _lovely,_ " Susan says. "He sounds like a nice boy."  
" _NO HE'S NOT!"_  
She sighs. "Well is Rowley gonna be there?"  
"He's not invited."  
"Why honey I think you should at least try to work things out."  
"Not by me. By Rattlesnake." Greg tattletales.  
"RODRICK INVITE ROWLEY TO YOUR MEMORIAL!" She shouts over to him.  
There's no response.  
"Can you hear me?!?"  
"He won't respond to the name Rodrick, Mom. You have to say Rattlesnake." Greg advises.  
She sighs. "When are the witch sisters gonna change him back?"  
"You mean the son of a bitch Holly that stole my man and her vagina flap sister Heather? Don't know." He emo-ly eats another pizza roll.  
"What if Holly is at the memorial?"  
"Then I'll smite her."  
"I think they're the ones that do the smiting, sweetie."  
He growls.  
"Honey...Do we need to have the Columbine talk again?"  
" _I'M NOT A SCHOOL SHOOTER MOM! GOD! GET OUT!"_ He swipes away the plate of pizza rolls.  
"Okay! Just checking! Swiper no swiping!"  
" _MOM GET OUT!"_

The next day at school, Greg darkly stares down at his Intratec TEC-DC9 semi-automated pistol, while standing throughout the parking lot before class. He takes one quick look at the school with consideration.  
" _Not today,_ " he fatally whispers, returning the weapon to his backpack.  
"Hey Greg!" Holly randomly shows up, making him flinch.  
"Oh hey Holly! _HAHAHAHA,"_  
"So I hear Rattlesnake's-sorry, I mean Rodrick's, memorial is today."  
"Yup."  
"I hear Rattlesnake's drumming."  
"Yup."  
"Rowley asked me to be his date."  
"Yup- _what?_ His date? To a memorial?" He cringes.  
"Yeah! I'm gonna wear a sexy black dress just for him."  
"Isn't taking a date to a memorial a little insensitive?"  
"God dammit Greg, _none_ of this is even real!" She raises her voice. "And _everyone_ knows it's only rude when you bring a date to a _funeral._ You're just jealous because I have Rowley _all_ to myself!"  
She stomps away from him, and Greg turns back to his gun implanted bag.  
"It's time."

The school library.  
Greg spies on Rowley and Holly talking in the science fiction book section. He has his gun cocked and ready.  
"Holly, I have sad news. I was walking down the hallway, and I told Rod—er, Rattlesnake that I couldn't wait to see him at the memorial, but all he said was "NO BABY HIPPOS ALLOWED" and walked by me. He didn't even look at me!"  
Greg growls.  
"Aw, that's so _mean!_ It's okay. You're MY baby hippo."  
Greg aims the gun at Holly's head.  
"Hey! Let's go sit down!" Rowley turns in Greg's direction, making him jump down and hide.  
"Hey...Did you see that?"  
"I don't know."  
Greg drops the gun on one of the tables and sprints out.  
"Huh...Oh well, Rowley, if you're not going, then I'm not going."  
"Awww, _babe!_ "  
"Sir? Do you go here?" The librarian asks Joshie, who's whistling and strolling by the groups of tables.  
He ignores her, and gasps when he sees Greg's left behind gun.  
"Oh _no!_ " He cries. "Guns are bad for the body and hurts the soul!"  
Rowley freezes. "Huh...That sounded a _lot_ like... _Joshie."_  
But he looks over, and Joshie is gone. Along with the gun.

In the auditorium, Chuck approaches Rattlesnake.  
"Hey man. So, I was wondering, if, ya know, you wanted to be my date to the memorial?"  
"What the _fuck?_ _No,_ man, that's disrespectful to _Rodrick!_ Besides, I'll be too busy drumming."  
"About that man...We were talking, and we just it'd be best if Joshie drummed. Not you."  
Rattlesnake cringes. "E- _excuse me..._?"  
"Yeah man. It was Joshie's whole idea. He didn't want it to be too much pressure on you! Isn't that nice?"  
Rattlesnake pauses.  
"Yeah... _Delightful._ "  
"Hope to see you there man." Chuck pats Rattlesnake's back before exiting.  
" _Grrrrrrr-"_  
"Rattlesnake! Oh I'm _so_ glad you're here!" Joshie comes running inside with the gun.  
"Huh?" His moment of anguishing is ruined, turning around and spotting the piece of shit.  
"Oh... _Hey Joshie..."_  
"I found this gun in the library! It hurt my soul, so I decided to bring it to someone responsible. So I thought, why not you? I just _know_ you'll give it to a higher authority."   
"Yes...Yes, I will, why thank you Joshie..." Rattlesnake takes it with no problem.  
"And hey, I'm sure Chuck told you about the whole drumming switch-aroo. That's not a problem, is it?" Joshie's orbs are sympathetic.  
"Why no Joshie...Not at all."

"Where it it? _Where is it?!"_ Greg runs around the halls, in frantic need of his gun.  
"Where's what, Gregory?" Fregley, who's happening to be standing by, asks him.  
" _Fuck off Fregley."_ He flips him off.  
"Hey, man!"  
"Hey Chuck!" He and Joshie encounter each other not too far away from Greg.  
"Are you ready to perform at Rodrick's memorial? Is Rattlesnake okay with it?"  
"Yup, everything's all handy dandy."   
Greg comes to a complete stop, noticing that the back of Löded Diaper's new drummer looks oddly familiar.  
' _The new drummer took Rattlesnake's spot that was specifically for him only! Maybe I should shoot him to make Rattlesnake proud. If only I had my gun! Grrrr!'_  
Oh he doesn't, but Rattlesnake certainly does. And he plans to use it on Joshie as much as anyone else.  
"Well awesome. I asked him to be my date but he said no."  
Greg frowns. 'What a fag.'  
" _Awwww_ oh no!!!!"  
Greg's moved on from frowning to cringing.  
'This new drummer is _sure_ a fucking pussy.'  
"Yeah _. :////_ / By the way, should I call you Josh? Or Joshor?"  
Greg intensely perks up. "What?" It can't be true.  
"JOSHIE!!!" Rowley screams from the other end of the hall, shaking his fists and feeling his boner spread wide open. He was searching for him around the school for a whopping five minutes.  
"Oh shit!" Rattlesnake comes running out, this being the exact reason why he doesn't want Rowley at the memorial.  
"Rowley _no-!_ "  
"FUCK ME!!!!" Rowley zooms over and attacks Joshie, falling with him to the cold hard floor.  
"Ahhh!"   
Both Joshie's cry of pain, and the bones cracking in his right fist are heard in slow motion.  
Everyone surrounding them gasps.  
Rattlesnake grins.  
"Oh _god dammit_ Rowley!" Greg isn't even happy about the injury like his brother, but is more angry about how Rowley won't be giving all his attention to him, but to Joshie.   
Whether he's injured or not.  
Looks like Greg's going to have to take some...  
Drastic measures.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as the Columbine shooting fucks me up and it FUCKS ME UP WOW I HATE EVERYTHING...it fucked me up to the point where joking about it is the only way to deal. I take the tragedy seriously and acknowledge the horror that it’s caused. Just a quick note <3


	10. Gasp!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rattlesnake’s secret is REVEALED! (To only a few people.  
> Greg has an unfortunate accident :/   
> #prayforGreg

" _WHAAAAAA!!!_ " Joshie can be heard sobbing from the nurse's office all the way throughout the school, interrupting the seniors SAT prep in the library.  
He sits on the examination table with his arm in a sling, surrounded by Greg, Rattlesnake, Rowley, Holly and Heather, his own personal doctors, and team of lawyers.  
" _Ohhh_ Joshie! It's okay, my love!" Rowley pokes at him.  
" _Awww_ , your brotherly support is so cute!" Holly beams, folding together her hands.  
"Is she for fucking real?" One of the lawyers ask.  
"Is he gonna be okay doctor? _Is he?!"_ Rowley begs to the female school nurse with a wart on her face.  
"I'm the _nurse,_ beeotch. He's gonna be _fine_. He's just being an overdramatic _puss_."  
"So he'll be able to play at Rodrick's memorial that I'm not going to because Rowley isn't even invited because of _somebody?_ " Holly glares at Rattlesnake.  
"You're both cancer." He states.  
"Bitch does it fucking _look_ he can play?! No!!" The nurse yells.  
"Joshie _no!!!"_ Rowley screams.  
"You're not even _invited_ why do you _care,_ " Greg retorts.   
"I was hoping someone would just upload it to YouTube so I could whack my pogo stick to his voice."  
" _Aw_ , Rowley. I appreciate your support." Joshie wipes a tear. "But, it must be a sign from Santa."  
There's a knock on the door, and the rest of Löded Diaper come in with balloons, flowers, and teddy bears.  
"Hey man. We came to show our support." Chuck announces.  
" _Awww_ , guys!!"  
" _What?!_ When Rodrick ended up in a full body cast after falling off stage you guys didn't do _shit!_ " Rattlesnake criticizes.  
"That was when _Bill_ was in the band. Instead of visiting Rod Rod in the hospital Bill convinced us to go Canada and smoke cigars. He was a bad influence!" Johnny explains.  
" _What?!_ _I_ never knew about that!"  
"Really 'cause Rodrick knew all about it..." Chuck twiddles his thumbs when he lies.  
" _No Rodrick fucking didn't!!"_  
"Well now that I can't play at the Rod Rod memorial, who will play now?!" Joshie cries.  
Rattlesnake grins. Greg's eyes roll into the back of his head.   
"Oh _God."_   
" _No. No_ way!" Chuck yells.  
"Ohhh _yayyyy!_ Come on guys let Rattlesnake do it!" Joshie smiles.   
" _No_ fucking w-"   
"I'll let you be my date." RS grumbles.  
"Permission aboard!" Chuck announces.  
All of the other band mates exasperatedly sigh.  
" _Yayyyy!!_ " Joshie struggles to claps his hands. "I'll _be_ there!"  
"Wait, what?" Rattlesnake was kinda hoping that wouldn't be the case.  
"Be my date?" Rowley offers.  
"Sure, partner."  
Rowley lets out a high pitched squeal before fainting to the ground.  
"Greg, since Rowley and Joshie-" Holly starts.  
"Uh yeah about that well not really it's actually about something else entirely but still lemme talk to you real quick-" Rattlesnake drags her out of the room, in which she rolls her eyes the entire time.  
"Rowley...?" Joshie asks, once they're gone and in the hallway, poking at his body.  
An erection pops out of the unconscious boy's pants.  
"Holy shit." Heather says.  
"What," Holly irritably asks Rattlesnake out in the empty hallway.  
"I'm back in the band."  
"For _one_ gig!"  
"Shh. I need you to _fix_ my drumming. _Okay?!_ _Please?!_ I can't ruin my own memorial!!"   
She huffs. " _Or_ I could just heal Joshie's broken hand-"  
" _No! No no no no_ do _not_ do that. This is _happening,_ Holly. I didn't even have to _shoot_ him!"   
"Oh _come on."_  
"Please-!"  
Greg comes walking out, announcing "Rowley's still unconscious."  
"Good." Rattlesnake comments.  
"Oh by the way Greg; I was gonna ask you if you wanted to be my date since Rowley and Joshie are going as buddies-"  
"Oh my _God Holly for a witch you're so stupid!!_ Rowley's gay, you _dumb stupid bitch!_ Like _me!"_ Greg loses it.   
"Wha- _what???_ "  
" _Please_ don't cry-"  
"Oh Greg this is _great!_ Do you understand how _much_ white girls love it when white guys get together?!" She grins.  
"No..."  
"We _gotta_ hook you two up at the memorial."  
" _Huh...?_ " He starts sweating buckets.  
"Yeah man. You guys can slow dance to the romantic drumming I'll be playing _perfectly_ thanks to Holly." He looks over at her. " _Right_ Holly?"  
"I'm _not_ casting the spell Rodrick!"  
Greg rolls his eyes. " _This_ shit again?"  
"I'll drum my atrocious OG drumming right in your ears!" Rattlesnake threatens to Holly.  
She groans. " _Fine!_ I'll cast it. But it'll _only_ last for forty eight hours."  
" _Fine."  
"Fine."_  
Greg sighs again. "Okay. Good. Done. Now are there _any_ love spells that you can cast for me and Rowley-?"  
"Against the rules, Greggy. Don't worry. He'll be _all_ over you at the memorial!"  
"Do we _really_ have to invite him-?" Rattlesnake tries one last time.  
" _Yes!_ " They interrupt him simultaneously.  
"Ohh, but he's just gonna be focused on _Joshie_ the whole time!" Greg whines.  
"Then we'll sabotage him." Holly predicts.  
"By shooting him-?"  
" _No,_ Rattlesnake."  
"When is the memorial, by the way?" Holly brings up.  
"Hm." Rattlesnake checks his watch. "An hour- _what?!"_ They're now all yelling simultaneously.  
An old random generic laugh track strikes out of nowhere, suddenly being mixed along with the Seinfeld theme.  
"JERRY!" Rowley pops up onto the floor, just like his boner that continues to stick up in his pants.  
"Oh!" He realizes, and the nurse cringes.  
"Whoops! Sorry everyone, my mistake!" The principle announces, after bringing the noises to an abrupt stop.  
Rowley growls. " _My Jerry..."_  
Holly, Rattlesnake, and Greg come barging in, making everyone jump and glare directly at them.  
"Good news, everyone!" Rattlesnake smiles. "I'm drumming at the memorial."  
" _Awww,_ " Everyone in Löded Diaper But Joshie, who's struggling to clap again, groans.  
" _Aha!_ You say that _now_ , but when the time comes you'll be _shocked!_ Also, Greg Holly and I took a vote. Rowley you're invited,"  
He gasps. "Yay!"  
Greg blushes and squirms, clenching the toes belonging to his awkwardly shuffling feet.   
"Joshie you're not." Rattlesnake states bluntly.  
"Huh?" Hurt shines in his eyes.  
" _What?!_ He's my _date!_ You wanna _fight boi?!?!?"_ Rowley pulls off his shirt and tosses it to the floor, now not being the only one with a boner.  
"Is that a woody?" A lawyer points out to Greg.  
"No, _shut the fuck up!"_  
"What's wrong with _Joshie?!_ " Chuck protests, and that's when everybody just starts yelling at each other.  
" _Alright! Shut the fuck up baby hippos!"_ Rattlesnake demands.  
It grows quiet.  
" _Memorial! Rodrick's house! 4:30! Everyone be there!"_  
He looks at Joshie. "Except you!"  
He pouts.  
"And _you_." Rattlesnake points to the nurse. "I don't know _who_ the fuck you are but you creep me out."  
Everybody else agrees.  
"Can we join?" One of Joshie's lawyers ask.  
"You're not gonna _sue_ me are you?"   
"Probably not."   
"Alright. everyone, let’s go!" Rattlesnake beams.  
Everyone leaves the room except for a continuously pouting Joshie, and a pity filled Chuck.  
"Chuck? You coming?" Rattlesnake makes sure.  
"Yeah...Uh...Be right there."  
Once everyone else is gone, Chuck checks up on good 'ol OG Joshie.  
"You okay man?"  
"Yes...Yes I'm fine..." Joshie is grimly staring off into the distance, now turned rogue.  
"Um... _Okay..."_ Chuck cringes. "Bye..."  
He walks out, and Joshie growls.

"So, um, so Rowley..." Greg brings up to him in the hallway, in front of everyone else.   
"I can't _believe_ you uninvited my date Rattlesnake. That's _mean!_ I'm telling my _mommy!_ " Rowley is too focused on yelling at him.  
"You're gonna tell your _Mom_ that you're _gay?_ Okay bro." Rattlesnake stops walking with the rest of them.  
Rowley frowns.  
"Hey guys." Chuck catches up.  
"Why'd you stay with Joshie?" Rattlesnake must admit he's quite jealous.  
"Did he say anything about me??" Rowley asks.  
Chuck ignores him. "I wanted to see if he was _okay,_ man."  
"He'll be _fine_. He's _Joshie_ for Christ's sake." Heather speaks up.  
"I don't know guys. He seemed pretty upset."  
"We'll cheer him up later with a birthday party!" Holly beams.  
" _Wrong!_ Joshie's birthday is on the day March 22nd of the year 1993 at the time 12:17 pm-!"  
" _I'll MAKE IT HIS BIRTHDAY!"_ Holly shouts to Rowley.  
"You can do that? Can it be my birthday?" Chuck requests.   
"No."  
"Guys, I'm kinda tryin' to do something important here." Greg brings up. "Rowley," He turns to him.  
"Since your date is uninvited,"  
" _RATTLESNAKE IS MEAN!!!"_  
"Yeah. Anyways, since you don't have a date, hearsay,"  
" _Per say."_ The Hills' sisters correct.  
" _Whatever._ I was thinking...Maybe you'd wanna be _my_ date?" Greg leaves it hanging in thin air.  
Rowley's entire body shuts down, leaving him speechless and on the verge of a random asthma attack.  
"Quit being a pussy and just _say_ something!!" The nurse yells to him.  
The principle plays a drumroll over the speakers.  
"Okay!"  
Holly shrieks in excitement.   
"Yeah!!!" Chuck plays a romantic air bass line.  
The lawyers all clap professionally.  
Skrillex celebratory plays as the drumroll's replacement.  
But while everyone is one part of the hallway happily celebrating, Joshie is breaking into Rattlesnake's locker and dramatically stealing his gun.

At the garage held band rehearsal taking place at Rattlesnake's house which happens to be Rodrick's old house, the rest of the band is simply fascinated by Rattlesnake's newly improved drumming.  
"Holy _crap,_ dude! That was _awesome!_ " Johnny smiles, after Rattlesnake's dropped his sticks to the ground in pride.  
"I know man. And it's all thanks to H-h—Hindu. Hindu God. Praise Hindu..." He covers up.  
Chuck wipes away tears at the beautiful sight.   
"Oh honey!" Susan smiles, properly entering inside from the door leading into the kitchen.  
"I made milk and cookies!" She holds her platter of freshly baked chocolate chips cookies, with multiple glasses of milk surrounding the plate's outline.  
" _Mom! Not now!"_ He grunts.   
Her face turns sour.  
"Did you just call her ' _Mom'?_ " The electric guitar player asks.  
"Uhhh-uh-uh _yes!_ Because-because uh uh, when Rodrick was alive we were planning to get married, so, uh, I started calling good 'ol Susan ma."  
" _Awww,"_   
"Really?" Chuck blinks.  
"Yeah..." Rattlesnake is sweating through his clothes with a tortured smile on his face.  
"Awww, _Rattlesnake!_ Tell me more about you and Rodrick's love story!" Susan's a sucker for romance, wether it's real or not.  
" _Mom. Not now."_  
"Oh! Okay! You kids have fun practicing. I'll just-teehehe!" She pokes her head back in and shuts the door.  
Rattlesnake sighs. " _Fucking Susan."_  
"I think she's hot." Johnny brings up.  
"Thank you sweetie!" She calls out from inside.  
" _SHUT UP MOM! OR—FUTURE MOM THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN...!_ " Rattlesnake continues to lie terribly.   
Chuck confusingly stares at him.  
" _What...?_ Pff." Rattlesnake forces a nervous laugh. "Ya silly goose."  
“Why are we at Rodrick’s old house?” Chuck interrogates.  
“ _Because_ you guys would _always_ practice at Rodrick’s house! It’s a Löded Diaper tradition! Anymore questions?!” Rattlesnake aims his drumsticks at him.  
“No...Let’s take five.” Chuck over to and down the driveway for a private smoke.  
“ _Hey! I don’t go on memorial dates with people who smoke, jackass! And you don’t call the shots!”_ Rattlesnake intensely points at him again with a drumstick.  
“Fuck off!”   
Rattlesnake turns back to the rest of the expressionless band.   
“ _Dude_...I can _feel_ the sexual tension.” Johnny says.  
“ _What?!_ ”  
“I can feel it too, honey!” Susan calls from inside. “My loins are sweating!”

Speaking of sexual tension, Greg and Rowley, for some reason, thought it was a good idea to go to Rowley’s house.   
“Greg! It’s been so long!” Rowley’s mother beams to him.  
“Yup. Um thank you for having me we’re gonna be upstairs-“  
“Hello!” Mr. Jefferson greets, briefcase in hand and mustache still intact when he walks through the door.  
In that moment Greg almost diarrheas his pants.  
The man, the myth, the _legend_ , that Greg has been having night terrors about since the third grade...  
 _Rowley’s Dad._  
Able to smell Greg’s scent, the man stays where he is and intensely sniffs around.   
“Is that...Is that a _Heffley_ I smell?”   
Rowley cringes, looking over to a mentally murdered Greg standing next to him.  
“Greg? Did you just...?”  
“ _Gotta go!”_ He zooms inside the bathroom and makes sure to lock the door.  
“Greg!” Rowley runs up to the door. “Greg?” He knocks.  
“ _Don’t come in!_ ” He’s already trying to pick the Jefferson’s window lock.  
“Did my—did my Dad make you _diarrhea yourself?!”_  
“I gotta go change into my suit for the memorial!”  
Mr. Jefferson enters the room, sniffing profoundly.  
“ _Hey!_ Who’s in that bathroom?!”  
“Uh-uh _no one...!”_ Rowley presses his back up against it.  
Greg panics, trying to speed up the process. Unfortunately only processes that speeds up is the movement of his bowels.  
“Yes there is. I can _smell_ it!” Mr. Jefferson now stands in front of his son.  
“Th-that was _me! I_ used the potty...!”   
“LIAR!” Mr. Jefferson throws Rowley out of the way, and attempts to break the door down with his body.  
Greg tenses up more and more, struggling to pick the lock faster.  
With each bang Mr. Jefferson sends against the door, Greg becomes more unfocused.   
With sudden luck, after a bang that opens the door but doesn’t entirely knock it down, Greg is able to unlock and open the window.  
The door finally knocked down into the doorway, Mr. Jefferson steps into the room being presented with an open window and the foulest of all smells.  
“GREG!!!!!”   
Greg runs for his life, through the woods and all the way back home, crying with diarrhea leaking out of his pants and down his right leg.

“What the _frick_ is your deal?!” Rattlesnake confronts a cigarette smoking Chuck out in the driveway.  
He quickly inhales the smoke, before exhaling and throwing the joint to the pavement below.  
“You’re a _liar. That’s_ what my deal is.”  
“What makes you say _that?!_ ”  
“You tell _me, Rattlesnake-“_  
“That _is_ my name!” He won’t give away a single thing.  
“ _Is_ it?! Are you _sure_ your name isn’t—?”  
He sweats.  
“Liar McLying pants?!”   
“What do _you_ care anyway?!” He tests.  
“ _Maybe,_ I don’t want a _boyfriend,_ who _lies!_ ” Chuck screams.  
“‘ _Boyfriend’?!_ _Whoa_ there, bucko, just because I’m your _‘date’_ to this memorial _doesn’t_ mean- _GUYS STOP PRACTICING WITHOUT US!”_ He shouts over to the garage, which then turns dead silent.   
Chuck huffs. “Fine. Whatever. _You_ drum your suddenly perfect drumming in the memorial for ‘ _Rodrick’,_ but _I’m_ out.” He declares.  
“Fine! I don’t _care!_ ”  
“Yeah you probably _want_ that _don’t_ you Rodrick-!”  
 _Rodrick_ —gasps.  
Chuck turns silent.  
“You...You _know?!_ ”  
It remains mysteriously quiet, until Greg comes running up the driveway, shoving his way past them while sobbing uncontrollably.   
The rest of the band mates cringe and cover their noses, witnessing him zoom by in the garage and jump into the house.  
“Honey! I made some cookies-!”  
“NOT NOW MOM JESUS!” Greg sprints to the bathroom where Mr. Jefferson hopefully won’t come bashing down the door.  
“ _Dude..._ Did your brother shit his pants?” Chuck asks Rattlesnake-Rodrick back outside.  
“What do _you_ care, huh?! I’m just a _Rodrick!_ ”   
“But...But you’re _my_ Rodrick...”  
Rodrick’s eyes widen from shock, and the overhearing remaining band members in the garage start to romantically play their instruments.  
The eye contact goes on for way too long. To the point where the band stops playing.  
“Can you guys just kiss already?!” Johnny impatiently screams.  
“ _Ohhh honey yay!!!_ ” Susan, who was watching this entire time, squeals while clapping her hands and jumping up and down.  
“ _MOMMM, YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME! I MEAN...SUSAN.”_  
“They know, honey, you can stop pretending!”  
“Well can I still be called Rattlesnake?!”  
“No, hon!”  
“ _BUT_ _MOMMMMMM-!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LOVE YOU DANTE DENOM


	11. Lights! Camera! Action!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rattlesnake has Rodrick’s memorial.  
> Kinda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally supposed to be the finale, but not when there’s suddenly a SUPER SPOOKY cliffhanger

While Rattlesnake-Rodrick and potential lover bass player Chuck stand in the driveway, while annoying mother Susan stands in the garage with the rest of the band, Greg comes walking out in his suit, but still in tears from the hurtles of diarrhea humiliation he recently had to put himself through.  
Rattlesnake-Rodrick snickers.  
" _Awww,_ sweetie!" Susan grabs Greg by his shoulders; Chuck and Rattlesnake-Rodrick watching from the driveway with hands drawing closer.  
"Are you okay?! Is there still poopy in your hiney hole?!"  
" _Mom!"_  
All of the older boys completely and utterly crack up.  
" _Stop laughing!"_  
"Honey, we have some news. Chuck found out Rod-"  
He obnoxiously coughs up a storm.  
" _Rattlesnake's_ —identity." Susan finishes to Greg.  
"How?"  
"Yeah. How _did_ you find out?" Double R asks to him.  
The rest of the band all mutter in agreement.  
"Rattlesnake,"  
The others all roll their eyes.  
"This isn't gonna be easy to say. But, I knew you were Rodrick...  
Since the janitor's closet."  
"Huh?" He cocks his head in puzzlement.  
"What happened in the janitor's closet honey?" Susan innocently asks.  
"Ummmm..."  
"I was able to tell when I saw your chopstick."  
"' _Chopstick'?! How?!_ " Rattlesnake's appalled.  
"Remember that time when I accidentally walked in on Rodrick naked in the bathroom?" Chuck brings up.  
" _Hm...Yeah..."_  
Chuck was going downstairs to get a drink, parched from all the bass playing at another Löded Diaper practice. Instead of opening the door leading out of Rodrick's room, he accidentally opens Rodrick's bathroom door instead.  
There Rodrick stands, naked and smoking a cigarette.  
They both scream fatally, and Chuck rightfully slams the door. The image of Rodrick's shrimp was burned into his brain ever since.  
They both agreed to never speak of the humiliating moment.   
"It looked exactly the same, bro."  
Greg is currently gagging. "I think I'm gonna have diarrhea again."  
"Wait. That was a _year_ ago! You're telling me my dick hasn't grown at _all?!"_  
"Yeah pretty much..." Chuck shrugs.  
" _Dammit!_ "  
"Hey fellas," Rowley comes walking up the driveway in both a bathrobe and pajamas, standing in the middle of Holly and Heather.  
"We doing this or what?" Heather asks.  
"The band knows I'm Rodrick." Rattlesnake shares.  
" _How?_ " Holly asks.  
"It's a long story..." Rattlesnake lies.  
"So we're not having the memorial anymore?" Rowley assumes.  
Rattlesnake snickers. "Of _course we are, you autistic fuck._ Just because the _band_ knows, doesn't mean everyone at _school_ does!"  
"And you're sure they'll all show up _how...?_ " Heather asks.  
He shushes her, just before receiving an anonymous text.  
**I know your secret identity. Have that memorial and something terrible's gonna happen.**  
"Oh _fuck!_ " Rattlesnake exclaims after reading it aloud.  
"It's probably Joshie. He's grown a _bit_ homicidal ever since you uninvited him," Rowley says, walking into the garage and up to Greg.  
"You don't care about Joshie anymore...?" He smiles to him.  
"Of course not, Greg. You matter to me _way more_ than Joshie. I've only stanned him for three years. _You've_ been my best friend since Pre-K. And hopefully now we can be more."  
" _Awwww!_ " Susan squeaks.  
" _Mom."_  
"Is your...Downstairs, okay?" Rowley asks to Greg.  
"It's perfectly fine now that you're here."  
" _Ewwww,"_ everyone else but Susan, who's now crying joyfully, parades around the gay lovers.  
"Sooo...We're _not_ having the memorial?" Heather wants clarification.  
" _Yes!_ We _are!_ I don't care _what_ Joshie says." Rattlesnake declares. "How much _danger_ can he actually do?! Holly and Heather could just cast a spell to save us."  
"Okay, but, what if no one shows up?" Holly asks.  
Rattlesnake chortles. "Don't be _silly,_ Holly."

It's 4:30 on the dot, and surrounding the Heffley's living room are Rattlesnake, Greg, Susan, Frank, Manny, Chuck, Rowley, Heather, Holly, and the rest of Löded Diaper.  
"Oh _come on!"_ Rattlesnake screams, had been sitting at his un-played drum set with sticks held in place for the past eleven minutes.  
"Can I leave?" Frank asks.  
" _No Dad! Why_ is no one here?!"  
"I can invite my Mom," Rowley suggests.  
"Oh, c'mon Rodrick. You don't need approval from some worthless _peers._ All that matters is that you're surrounded by family and loved ones!" Chuck smiles.  
"I don't _care_ about that! Someone _better_ barge through that door _right now!"_  
Barging through that door right now, is an emotionally crippled and sobbing Joshie with a gun squeezed tight in his hand.  
Everyone else screams.  
"You just _had_ to ignore that text!" Holly screams to Rodrick.  
"Joshie! _Please_ don't hurt us!" Chuck begs.  
"Hurt _you_ guys?!" He cries. "I could _never_ bring myself to do that!"  
He brings the gun to his head.  
They're all roaring at him to stop.  
"Joshie, we're sorry for _whatever_ it was we did. I should've listened to your text. I'm _sorry!"_ Rodrick begs.  
"Text? What text?"  
"The one that said not to have the memorial."  
"I sent no text."  
"Joshie _don't-"_  
Again they're all begging for him not to do it, until he dramatically pulls the trigger.  
"Oh, _dang it!_ I forgot _bullets!_ "  
Everyone else in the room sighs of relief. Except for Frank.  
"I've always _wanted_ to see a suicide up close." Rodrick runs over and gently takes Joshie's wrist, pulling away the gun.  
" _Okay...?_ " His eyes gloom with tears.  
Joshie pauses.  
"Okay..."  
Rodrick carefully leads him back from the group.  
"Wait. If _Joshie_ didn't send that text, then _who_ did?" Rowley brings up.  
Mr. Jefferson comes casually entering through the open door.  
" _AHA!"_  
" _Mr. Jefferson?!"_ Everyone else asks together.  
"That's _right, Rodrick."_ He glares directly over at him. "I know _all about_ your secret identity."  
" _How?_ "  
" _What_ secret identity?" Joshie still isn't aware and has grown aloof to everything.  
"How have I _not_ gotten any diarrhea?" Greg blurts, and everyone looks over at him.  
"I _know_  that that was you in by bathroom _Greg Heffley._ I could _smell_ your _stench..._ "  
"You mean my _shit?"_  
" _Yes."_  
"Mr. Jefferson, _how_ do you know that I'm Rodrick?!" Rattlesnake asks.  
"You're _Rodrick?!??"_ Joshie screams.  
They all ignore him.  
"You guys _didn't_ tell anyone did you?!" He asks Chuck and the rest of the band.  
"No."  
"What about _you_ guys?" He asks his family.  
"No."  
"Although I _did_ almost write about it on my parenting blog." Susan shares.  
Rattlesnake exhales. "Of _course_ you did..." he whispers, rolling his eyes.  
"The only explanation is that _Rowley_ told me!" Mr. Jefferson blames.  
" _What?! Rowley!_ " Rattlesnake threateningly pulls him close. He squeaks.  
"Rodrick! _Stop!_ " Greg pulls away Rowley and defensively holds him close.  
"I didn't tell _anyone!"_ Rowley affirms.  
" _Yeah! See?!_ My Rowley _doesn't_ lie!" Greg backs up.  
" _Ah!_ What is this I see?! _Gayness?!_ In _my_ house?!" Mr. Jefferson asks.  
"This isn't _your_ house!" Chuck cringes.  
Greg and Rowley hiss against the homophobe.  
Holly gasps. " _Ohhhh!_ I remember! We told our Dad!" She refers to her and Heather.  
"Oh yeah."  
"Seriously??" Rodrick asks. " _Dammit!"_  
Mr. Hills happens to be walking inside right now, with Heather's phone charger clutched in his right hand. "Heather honey I got your message and I'm here with-"  
He spots Mr. Jefferson, and in that moment he knows they're both fucked for life.  
"Oh _shit_ I-I mean _hi_ Mr. Hills funny to see you here..."  
"Hello...Jefferson..."  
Mr. Jefferson nervously twirls his mustache, sweating and chuckling painfully.  
"Wait. Did Mr. Hills tell you?" Rowley figures out.  
He tenses up. " _Fuck._ "  
"What no..." Jefferson lies.  
He frowns. "Well who _else_ would have told you? Why _would_ he tell you?" Rowley looks at the girls for an answer.  
" _We_ don't know." Holly means it. "Daddy only tells personal things to people he's _really_ close with."  
"Ah, _fuck..."_ Mr. Hills curses miserably.  
" _How_ do you two know each other?" Chuck stands up straight and crosses his arms.  
"Ummm..."  
" _Dad..."_ Holly snaps.  
"Ummm, girls, don't tell mommy about this but...Mr. Jefferson and I have gotten together on...Rare occasions."  
" _WHAT?!?!?_ "  
" _D-d—Dad?!"_ Rowley can't take his eyes off him.  
"Yes, son. It's true."  
"And not _just_ choo choo?" Rodrick asks.  
"Choo choo is just first base. We've gone _way_ further than that."  
" _OH JESUS!!!"_ Rowley screams.  
"Oh, it's _still_ not working!!!" Joshie's gone back to trying to shoot himself in the head, and this time for a very good reason.  
"Joshie _no!_ I _know_ it's very tempting but you _can't!_ " Rodrick takes away the gun again.  
"Hey _wait a minute!_ You were _just_ being intolerant towards Rowley and Greg yet you've been fucking my _Dad_ the whole time?!" Holly interrogates to Mr. Jefferson.  
"Frank _stop_ rubbing your nipples!" Susan instructs. He pouts.  
"This is _different!"_ Jefferson tries to defend.  
"Ohhh you _monster!_ _Get out! GET OUT!_ " Heather shrieks to her Dad, snatching her phone charger and shoving him all the way out.  
" _You TWISTED FUCK!!!"_  
"Heather! _Stop!"_ Holly demands  
" _He's PUTTING US THROUGH HELL! HE'S the reason Rowley's Dad is even HERE!_ "  
" _What_ are you gonna do to us, anyway?” Holly asks him.  
"Oh. Uh...You see I h-haven't really thought that through yet. I kinda just did this because well, I _hate_ Greg so much."  
Greg gawks.  
Rowley cracks his knuckles while walking over to his Dad.  
"Dad, I'm gonna have to ask you to get the _FUCK OUT."_  
Joshie gasps. " _Rowley!_ Bad language is-!"  
" _NOT NOW JOSHIE!_ Dad, you're a piece of shit who deserves _ENDLESS_ diarrhea." He punches him across to face, watching him be sent right to the ground with a groan.  
" _GET FUCKED YOU SON OF A BITCH!_ "  
He looks at Mr. Hills. "Never mind..."  
" _Oh..."_ Heather grows nauseous, feeling her stomach.  
" _GREG IS MY BOYFRIEND AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE THAT YOU FUCKING...BEASTIE BOY! AFTER MOM DIVORCES YOU YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE TOWN AND NEVER RETURN."_  
Mr. Jefferson coughs and struggles to laugh at the same time. " _Make me..."_  
Rowley kicks his balls.  
" _That's_ my boy!" Greg smiles. "Go fuck yourself Mr. Jefferson."  
Holly grins. "Endless diarrhea, eh?"  
She snaps her fingers.  
" _AAAAGHHH!_ " Mr. Jefferson screams and crawls the entire way out, diarrhea worse than Greg's and running down both his legs.  
Everyone applauds once he's gone.  
" _That's_ my girl!" Mr. Hills comes walking back through the doorway.  
"I thought you were on _his_ side." Rodrick looks at him.  
"Lmao. Fuck that bitch. Do you know how many times I had to fake it?"  
"I'm sorry daddy" Heather apologizes, and she and Holly run up to hug him.  
" _Awwww,"_ everyone else praises, both Greg and Rowley and Chuck and Rodrick holding hands.  
"Guys," Rodrick looks at the girls after the hug's over.  
"I think it's time I change back."  
"You sure?"  
"Yeah." He looks back at everyone else and pauses.  
"I'm sure."  
"Alright then."  
Heather casts the spell, and Rattlesnake switches back into Rodrick within a blink of an eye.  
"Wow!!! I'm me again!"  
" _Whoa!"_ Chuck is no longer holding Rattlesnake's hand. "We can finally fuck this time!"  
"Yeah! Wait huh?"  
After that awkward moment, all the peers that always meant to show up to the memorial, finally show up late.  
Everyone else in the room slowly freezes.  
" _Rodrick?"_ A girl asks.  
"Ummm I-I'm not Rodrick I'm _Rattlesnake!_ Right Holly?!" He desperately looks over, hoping she'll cast some sort of memory loss spell or something.  
She doesn't.  
" _Hey!_ You were faking your death to see who would show up to your memorial like that one guy on Friends!" A fellow male classmate accuses.  
" _What?!_ N-n-no!"  
" _GET HIM!!!"_  
"Ahhhhh!"  
While the angry crowd of students are doing rebel yells, Rodrick is screaming as he runs for his life out the door.  
"Should we help?" Susan asks.  
"Nah." Heather answers.  
"He kinda deserves it." Rowley brings up.  
"This is _so_ fucking gay" Manny says, taking another hit of his cigarette.  
"Where'd Frank go?" Susan realizes, looking around.  
" _GAHHHHH!!!"_ Apart of the angry mob, Frank plans to shove one of his civil war figures up Rodrick's ass.

"And how presenting, _LÖDED DIAPER!"_ The male presenter announces to the crowd of 250k inside Madison Square Garden, walking backstage and letting the crowd go fucking wild.  
It's been two days, and ever since the band posted a video featuring Rodrick's continuous badass drumming on their official YouTube page, they became an overnight sensation.  
" _ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!????"_ Johnny screams into the lead microphone, and the crowed roars with eagerness.  
" _FUCK ME RODRICK!" One girl screams._  
"HE'S MINE BITCH!" Chuck screams back, wrapping his arm around him. Gay Rodrick grins.  
" _FIVE! FOUR! THREE TWO ONE!"_  
Rodrick bangs his sticks together.  
" _YOWWWW! YOU TOLD US THAT WE WERE LOSERS AND THAT WE CAN'T DO NOTHIN' RIGHT. YOU SAID WE'D NEVER MAKE IT BUT LOOK AT US TONIIIGHTTT. IT'S LÖDED DIAPER. ALL OVER THE PLACE._  
EX-PLODED DIAPER. ALL UP IN YOUR FACE!"  
For some reason the crowd loves it, going fucking apeshit.  
"Mom stop dancing!" Rodrick yells in response to Susan embarrassingly dancing again, this time standing in the VIP area with Greg, Rowley, Heather, Holly, and Manny.  
Frank had a seizure at the last show so they figured it was best if he stayed away this time.  
Playing his flawless drums, Rodrick's having the time of his life up there, tears and eyeliner leaking down his cheeks.  
" _LÖDED-DIAPER. LÖDED-DIAPER. LÖDED-DIAPER!"_  
Everything's going perfect, until...  
The forty eight hours are up.  
Holly's wrist watch goes off. "Uh-oh..."  
“What...” Heather asks.  
“The forty eight hours are up.”  
“What’s that girls?” Susan asks.  
“Nothing...”  
The crowd takes notice right away as Rodrick’s drumming gets progressively worse by the millisecond.  
“ _Boooo!!!”_ They’ve gone from throwing roses and bras at him, to throwing beer cans and tomatoes.  
“No! _Noooo!”_ He realizes, wanting to stop but somehow not letting himself.  
“ _Nooo!!!_ ” Now, he’s crying tears of complete and utter despair.  
Between all the booing and rioting, out of nowhere comes a gunshot, that shoots right into Rodrick’s chest.  
Boos turn into terrified screams, and the crowd that hasn’t already left, take off for the exits.  
“Oh _come on!!”_ Rodrick’s bleeding out on the floor, the entire band coming to a sudden stop meaning the terrible noise is gone.  
“Was it really _that bad?!?_ ” He coughs.  
“ _My baby! Noooo!”_ Susan screams, running up on the stage with the others, to the band who are circling around and gazing down at Rodrick.  
The rest of the crowd is officially gone. Including the shooter.  
“Holly! Heather! Can’t you do something?!?” Greg demands.  
“Life saving spells were banned when-!”  
“Oh _forget it! Call an ambulance!”_  
“I’m on it.” Manny takes out his smartphone.  
“ _Who_ could have done this?!?!” Susan shrieks.  
This wasn’t a random crowd member fed up with Rodrick’s terrible turning drumming.  
This targeting was planned. Planned for a _good long_ forty eight hours. _Ever since_ Löded Diaper officially made it big.  
Joshie sits knees first on the bed belonging to him in the mental hospital he was checked into, with bags under his eyes and a gown draping over his body.  
Good, wholesome Joshie-America’s bean-  
Chuckles evilly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHODUNIT???!?  
> Find out in the next chapter, I guess. I don’t know. Comment your thoughts on this shocking chapter!!!! :OOOOOOOOO  
> (Also I would’ve came up with a first name for Mr. Jefferson but, you can never go wrong with a South Park reference)


	12. A Gay Crime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg, Rowley, Heather, Holly, and Chuck all try to solve the gay mystery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy le dank

At Saint Illness hospital, Rodrick lies tragically unconscious in his bed, hooked up to a bunch of machines, wires, tubes and all that shit.   
The thingamajig machine continues to beep, letting everyone know he's still taking the breaths that might just be his last.  
Greg, Rowley, Chuck, Manny, Susan, and the Hills' sisters stand before his bed.  
Susan starts to sob again. " _OHHH MY POOR BABY!"_  
Manny cringes. "Fuck off Mom." He takes yet another hit of his cigarette.  
"Where's the _rest_ of the band?!" Susan asks Chuck.  
"They couldn't make it. They have the after party."  
Holly frowns.  
"Oh, isn't there _anything_ you guys can do?" Rowley asks her and Heather.   
"Ummmm if he has amnesia after this then we can bring back his memory," Heather suggests.  
"There's _isn’t_  brain damage!" Greg protests.  
"You sure?" Holly asks.  
"Have you told Dad?" Greg asks his Mom. "Yeah, and, well, um, you see he doesn't care. He sent back some sort of celebratory emoji."  
"Maybe that's just because he's at the after party...?" Chuck hopes.  
" _What?"_ Holly asks.   
"Then he sent 'OH THANK YOU JESUS PLZ FINALLY TAKE HIM AWAY.'" She reads aloud the next text.  
Rowley sighs.  
Inside, comes the doctor.   
"Hello. I'm Doctor Hollywood from Big Time Rush."  
Heather grins. “I wanted to fuck all four of them.”  
"Is he going to be okay doctor????" Susan asks.  
"Well, we were able to get the bullet out of him and reduce the bleeding, but now we just have to wait for his brain to work."   
"The _fuck,"_ Greg whispers under his breath.  
 _Beeeeeep.  
"Aagghhh!!"_ Susan starts to sob.  
"Oh, sorry about that." Doc Hollywood walks over and unplugs the machine. "This one's broken. I'll get a new one." He rolls it out.  
" _Who_ could have done this?!" Susan cries.  
" _I_ have a theory..." Rowley starts dramatically.   
" _Who?"_  
"My first love."  
" _Rowley!_ I'm his _brother!_ " Greg yells.  
"Not you. Joshie!"  
Greg frowns.  
"I thought he was at Troubled Waters." Holly says.  
"He could've snuck out and shot Rod-Rod. Mom, you stay here. The rest of us will go. Heather, Holly, you can threaten him with witch powers. Move out!" Greg turns full on spy.  
The kids all somersault out like ninjas, while Susan fearfully whimpers.

About twenty minutes later, Greg, Rowley, Holly, Heather, and Chuck all hesitantly approach Troubled Waters Hospital For The Mentally Impaired.  
"Oh, boy. This place looks spooky" Rowley expresses, gazing up at the thunder and lightning in the sky.  
"Don't be a _pussy,_ Rowley." Holly snaps.   
Greg takes his hand for comfort.  
"Well let's go in I guess," Says Chuck. He presses the buzzer.  
" _What._ " The unamused front desk secretary asks over the speaker.  
"Hi um, we're here to visit Joshie?"  
"Oh _God,_ not _again_."  
"No! It's okay! We know him!" Greg alerts.  
"That's what they _all_ say."  
"We can prove it!"  
"They all say _that_ too."  
"We promise! He'll tell you. We wouldn't waste your time. It's _really_ important!" Greg tries one more time.  
The lady is heard sighing. "Fine."  
The front doors unlock, and the group breaks out in smiles.

"He's right in here." The same secretary leads them into Joshie's room, where he's still sitting still at the edge of his bed.  
"Hi Joshie..."  
"Hey Joshie..." They greet him uncomfortably. There he sits in his white gown with no underwear to cover his junk, legs hairier and hair frizzier slash longer than ever. The bags under his eyes let them know he hasn't slept in days.  
"Oh...! Hi fellas! Why, where's Rod-Rod?"  
Rowley squints. Pure manipulation. Acting like he doesn't know shit.  
"You haven't heard? He's in the hospital. Someone in the concert crowd shot him..." Holly answers.  
" _What??!"_  
The secretary that keeps watch in the doorway fakes a snore.  
" _Boring._ "  
Chuck shushes her.  
"And, Joshie, um, we hate having to even consider this, but...You didn't have anything to do with it? Did you?"  
" _What?_ Why _no!_ Joshie is _very_ happy about Rod-Rod's and the rest of Löded Diaper's sudden success!"  
"So, you were here tonight?"  
"Yes!"  
"And not at MSG...?"  
"No! Joshie was here playing bingo with the elders."  
To prove it, Miss secretary shows them all the security footage during the exact same time Rodrick was shot.  
"Wow. Well sorry Joshie. This whole thing was Rowley's idea." Chuck tattletales.  
"Hey!"  
Joshie's gasp is over dramatic asf.  
" _Rowley!_ I thought you were my biggest fan!"  
"I was, Joshie. I truly was. But these days...Even sometimes the hero....Is the enemy."  
They all stare at him.  
"What?" Greg finally asks.  
"Nothing. Let's just go."   
"Bye Joshie!" The group waves sincerely.   
"Bye you guys! Come back and visit soon!"  
"We'll try to!"  
They won't try to.  
Afterwards, now standing back outside of the building, the group is trying to figure out their second culprit.  
When the one person pops into Greg's head, he gasps and snaps his fingers. "I _got_ it! My Dad!"  
"Your _Dad?_ " Rowley asks.  
"Yeah! He and Rodrick _hate_ each other!"  
"But your Dad can't even _go_ to a Löded Diaper show without having a seizure." Heather points out.  
"Well it's still worth a try. He's at the band's after party. Let's go!"

At the afterparty, the group is awkwardly huddled next to each other in the middle of all the wasted partygoers.   
"Have you seen your Dad?" Heather has to practically scream to Greg over all the music and obnoxious voices.  
"Nope..." He's still looking around, and Rowley grabs onto him for protection.  
"Should we split up?" Holly asks.  
"No. We'd just get lost" Chuck says, and the lead singer of Löded Diaper, named Johnny, just has to fucking notice them.  
" _Yoooo_ guys wassup?!" He yells, holding up his arms with an empty red cup in his hand.  
" _Jesus,"_ Greg mutters as Johnny gets closer.  
"It's crazy about Rodrick, right?! Who-aa-a!"   
"' _Whoa'?!_ " Holly scowls. "He didn't _fall off_ stage he got freakin' _shot!"_  
"I _know! Spooky!"_  
The rest all roll their eyes.  
"Well do you have _any_ idea who you think coulda-?"  
Johnny passes out onto the grass in the middle of Chuck's question.  
The group towers down around him.  
"Should we put him somewhere?" Rowley asks. Holly snaps her fingers, and Johnny's body disappears at the speed of sound.  
"I can always snap him back when I feel like it."  
The others nod in fascination.  
" _Ayeeee!! What is up my dudes?!?!_ " A wasted out of his mind Frank Heffley comes running along, rising up his bottle of beer.  
"Dad-"  
" _What?!?!"_ He demands.  
Greg is already losing his patience. "R-Rodrick-"  
" _EWWWWWW!"_  
"He was _shot!_ At his concert-!"  
" _HAHAHAHAHA!"_ Frank starts to guffaw.  
"Did you _do it or not, asshole?!"_ Holly gets right to the point.  
" _Pffff no but I shoulda!"_  
"Listen Dad, if you _did do it then-"_  
" _Don't_ you bitches think if I _did do it_ then I would _say so?!_ I'm fuckin _wasted._ I _do_ know who did it though." He grins, putting a finger to his lips and shushing them.  
" _What!??"_  
"Who?!"  
"Uhhh—I don't remember."  
The rest groan.  
"But, I'll get back to you on it. Any 'a you guys wanna drink?" He's slurring.   
" _NO!_ "  
He scoffs. " _Pussies."_   
Luckily for everyone else, he stumbles away.  
" _God_ I hate him." Greg comments.  
"Guys? _Where's_ Manny...?" Holly realizes.  
"Oh _shit!_ Guys _don't_ you have a spell where you can make people appear?!" Rowley asks.  
"Only to make people _disappear."_ Heather says.  
"Okay well make him _disappear_ from wherever he is right _now_  and _appear_ to us!" Chuck exclaims.  
"Can't. The person has to be present."   
The others groan.  
"Fine. Let's retrace our steps. Team Diaper _out!"_ Chuck declares.  
They all summersault their way out again.  
"Holy _pepperoni!_ " Rowley says from a distance.   
Little do Team Diaper know, is that Manny is out there solving the crime better than their bitch asses ever could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment u dirty fags


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